to “worth” it, or to “worth” it not !

from the endomorph:

it’s pouring in cape-town.
the rain is coming down with the kind of effort that i have been trying to achieve at gym.
it’s only 3.36 in the afternoon but the charcoal grey of the sky has kissed the day with darkness.
the wind outside cutting from all sides.
even though it’s gloomy and cold with that real “twilight” glampire’s gonna jump you at any moment feel,
i am feeling kind of chipper and toasty inside, though even typing is a sore story as my arms are completely fatigued after today’s workout.

who am i to say what is “worth” it and what is not?
“worth” is something that only becomes sensible when an individual attributes value to the factor.
i am not able to tell you if pushing yourself in the gym will be “worth” it to you or anyone else for that matter.
i have only recently been able to attribute “worth” to gym-ing myself.
this may be because in general i felt completely “worthless” as a person.
no, not because i was severely overweight, that was merely the product of my emotional state.
i felt worthless because i stopped attributing “worth” to myself in comparison to others.
that was the nr.1 probable cause to a lot of my thinking, attitude and behaviour towards food, excersize, business and individual creativity.
i have had this illness since childhood.
roots so deep you need a forklift to just get through the first 100 layers of dirt.
so whats the endomorphic point to the babble ….
well just this, even though it is a pain in the ass and most of the rest of my body to keep on going, i have made the smallest connection to a very disconnected relationship with my body.
discomforting as it may sound to the sane of mind, … stretching your muscles to a place where you have never ventured to take your body, muscles or mind before, awakens a link between the physical and spiritual bodies.
it is as if small electrical currents are being blasted between the two whilst experiencing pain or extreme physical effort.
sounds very S&M i know, but for myself personally i cannot imagine separating the two whilst at gym.
for fek sakes it sounds all very fungi … but ja … it really is a reality shock.
as numb as i have felt as a living humanoid amoeba over the past year, so detached from my body that it was as if i was in a permanent state of astral projection, so connected i feel when i am aching like crap after gym.
so for me, i attribute “worth” to gym because one is forced to count on yourself for a result.
i have been forced into connecting with my physical body, drawing from the mental and spiritual at the same time, some days just to make it through the door.
i would not have been able to persist if i could not attribute any “worth” to the experience.
i don’t think it’s worth it to do anything if one is not able to attribute “worth” to the action as the reaction will be “worthless” and i would dare to say even damaging in the end.

for anyone who ever reads my babble please know that this is not a blog about trying to convince anyone that going to gym will save you from anything in particular, or that it is life changing or even that you need to ever go at all !
this is a blog about changing a life, using gym as the only thing i could think of at the time.
and it is also a way to tell myself the things many a lost friend had spent countless breaths trying to tell me before.
sometimes when we say it to ourselves, only then do we start listening and paying attention.

if it is skydiving that works for you or swimming naked in the arctic, then may all the gods poor their blessings on you, as long as you know that it is better to try something than it is to give up on everything.
i would love to say happiness can be found watching porn and jerking all day, but it seems like sometimes you need to get out there in the real world and kick the bastard in the face.

good luck to you …
and
good luck to me!

IMG_4960 IMG_4965 IMG_4964 latest pics taken at gym on the 3d july – tights and orange shoes …. now that takes a real man #LOL
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Rhino’s Rest

from the endomorph:

winter has come to cape-town as quickly as the year has come to the end of it’s 5th month.
i am definitely not the best blogger in the universe, but sometimes it is better to say something worth saying than just saying anything at all.
where my updates as a blogger has lagged, i have gained memento at gym … i.o.w i am still going with the frequency one would expect from a naggy  whiney “endomorphic” blogger.

i have cardio’ed and weighted at 5am in the morning if i could not go in the afternoons, taken on the cold and dark of winter like a herculean champion.
with results i might add!
i have halved my body fat, managed to waste 15kg thus far and best of all … managed to deflate my little puffer fish face in to a mor recognisable form.
i have gathered from friends that it now looks less like i may be in need of a training bra to keep my moons from jiggling !
oh the boobie battle !!
i am sure any girl half my age would kill for a set like mine, but i personally could do without the garbo cleavage.

even though i have had to dig old jeans out of the “never to be forgotten” part of my closet and have had an awesome plumbers crack in some of my newer pairs, i must admit to still having a little “sumo” going on around the waist and moob area.
somewhere between 33 & 35 my body seems to have lost the ability to burn off that sexy kangaroo pouch in the front.
it looks like i have been coupon hoarding around my stomach for the last 5 years and now my endomorphic body is slightly less willing to clear out the basement of stacked shelves just in case we need to go into hiding for armageddon.
sadly there is no quick cure for a flabby abbies,
let me narrow down your searches and save you millions in miracle cures …
for endomorphic midriff destruction – 1mm at a time – you will have to do a combination of hi intensity cardio in combination with weight training and erm… intermittent starvation … kill me now for saying that … seems it really is true … not eating sporadically for about 12 hours seems to really work (should you also be crazzzzzy enough t0 do this for a month or a couple of weeks please have at least to meal replacement shakes somewhere throughout the day. this will prevent fainting, fatigue and most likely violence directed toward others)

the other horror to loosing a fat belly may be hidden in the most dreaded of all workouts … “legday”.
“legday” will not only tighten your tusch,  it will also flatten your flab.
exercising legs will get to your core, one notices this quite easily just by the amount you sweat, it’s like being glued on a stationary bike from hell.
but … for me … it works !
i call “legday” the gym’s condom … kills the sexy … proves effective!

besides hopefully when we get all ripped and toned one day we will hopefully have the legs to match our biceps so that we may be able to avoid looking like someone has gone to sit on the edge of a cheap inflatable pool .
i am not a big legs man, for me it’s all in the arms but nothing kills a stiffie like spotting a hottie that’s all muscly on top, veiny and buff, and then you glance downward and he has your polio cousin moira’s legs.
so many of them at my gym … so strange … it’s like building a magnificent house in the right neighbourhood and then filling the garden with tortured little gnomes.

still … i should not point a finger … since i have spent most of the past two years looking like a badly drawn boy.
what i have to show for it is endless hour spent at work, and a repertoire of endless series watched from season 1 – infinity …
i would have rather been muscly on top !

yet we are the endomorphs, powerhouses of slow determination, when we get going we ar like rhino’s
nothing can stop us from horning our way trough thorny bushes and difficult days.
we are a force unto ourselves –
we storm our victories, hit our goals with shattering force … be we pissed off enough !

this year for me so far has been strained with emotion, hard truths and inner conflict.
connecting with my body has been a fantastic challenge.
yet when all the muddy water is cleared and you can find a place to see through the surface there is a place of hope in everything.
tears will dry away.
a broken heart will mend.
and a neglected body will rebuild itself.
all these things are workouts of a different kind, but we must do the work.
none of them happen by themselves, nothing ever does, it’s the law of nature, everything needs something to grow.

this is a note to myself more than to anyone else …
but if someone else is moved by this …
then I am happy. IMG_3934 IMG_3935

“the rude nude”

from the endomorph:

if you have ever really wanted to know what you look like, how others see you …
then go ahead and take a “rude-nude” picture of yourself !
i am not talking about the kind that would make pamela blush and become an online sensation!
i am talking of standing in your favourite knickers against a wall, contracting absolutely 0% of your body and having someone take a happy snappy
of you working it.

i recently did this …
forget it i’m not posting it … not now anyway, as i am still crawling under cabinets looking for my dignity.
a “rude-nude” is like having a bucket of freezing water dumped on you whilst you are all snuggled up and toasty in dreamland !
it’s a horrific shock and a complete sensory overload … again not the exciting kind.

stripped from the comfortable loose hanging shirt and (it just closes beneath the belly) pants there is a whole other dimension of reality you simply cannot mentally prepare for ever.
you just have to rip off that old plaster – and face the pain!

lets just say i’m not going to make the guys with i-phones page any time soon (you’ll know what this is if you like hot “rude-nudes”)
simply put … i freaked for the millionth time over the passed month –
it may not be politically correct in a blog carrying on about self love, unconditional love and acceptance, but i was really grossed out by myself!
time stood still as i looked at the screen of my phone – i have become enormous.
there was nothing sexy in the picture looking back at me and not even my “calvins” could save the day.
i have gone past the point of cuddly, or chubby – the guy in the picture was just plain fat.
there was no sign of someone caring for their body in that picture, it was all just about letting go, about not caring.
i should have done it a year ago and maybe i would not be struggling so much to keep my sinking atlantis above the water.

it is so easy to point the finger of blame, to look for the problem beyond the one that is staring you in the face like an elephant on crack !
it was time for me to accept a little of the blame for “atlantis sinking”.
i now knew if i didn’t start doing something right then and there it would be too late to save my world from being lost forever.
do or die … that was the first thing that came to my mind –
crumbling walls are easier to fix than a rotten foundation. i had little time left before this happened.
all of a sudden i needed to save the world … my world … and i knew instinctively that i was running out of time.

my rambling point is that sometimes we need to recognise that something like obesity can affect the happiness of a relationship.
mine was being severely affected by my weight – a problem that i without the proper self care had created all on my own.
i could not pass the torch of blame here any longer, no one forced food down my throat – no one kept me from gym , no one had become lazy about my personal appearance accept for me, but someone noticed.
my sloppy attitude toward my weight had been noticed by my partner, someone who really takes care of  his body.
i know all the comebacks to this, i wrote half of them myself, someone should love us without condition for who we are and how we care for them, but the world turns on a tilted access and things are not always as straightforward as we would like the to be.
look online at any website where people hook up.
guys with good bodies like other guys with good bodies and somehow come to think about it this is fair.
ask yourself this question and then think about it before you disagree.
why must he/she work hard at looking good and staying in shape for you … if you don’t give a rats ass about your own body.
like everything else in the world boys and girls this causes and imbalance, one that i guarantee you will lead to problems, wondering eyes and even worse.
somehow it’s the law of nature – a certain type will almost always be attracted to a similar type.
and make no mistake – somewhere out there there is always a more appealing choice when you fall off the wagon, and with all the technology we live with, the awareness of that fact is explosive.
we live in a world where we have to fight harder for everything and everyone we want to hold on to.
i tried ignoring this fact for year, i didn’t want to be part of it, in fact i hate it, but it is impossible to do.
you simply cannot burry your head in the sand, pretend that he she is not on fb, twitter, instagram, fitocracy ect ect
they are, and they see everyday that there is someone out there going to more trouble than you are, and the ones that they are seeing are seeing them and they are noticing that you are not going to the trouble that they are too.
all you can do is pray to God that there is some way that you will have enough time to hold on for dear life to the person you love, that something in you still makes you more appealing than the whole world which now lives in our homes, on or computers and phones.
if you close your eyes to this you might as well tear them out.
i have done so for years,
i am DONE doing so now.

that good old saying – “if you can’t beat them join them” – there’s a reason for that.
i chose to be with someone who has never been average, when we met i was not average either.
somewhere i just forgot about that or wanted to ignore the fact that i was slipping up big time.

keep your fingers crossed that i will make it before it’s too late.

summary:
never ever give up – even if you have lost a battle or two … regroup, recharge and go win the war.
xoxo

From the Endomorph:

I guess it’s time to do a little pictorial update again.
It feels as if I have been training for a millennium and every now and then I get heated under the collar that I don’t look like
a Andrew Christian underwear model yet!!
Actually I haven’t been training … properly… for very long at all and the new pics I took at gym 2 days ago gives me a little hope again and a little renewed inspiration.
I find that self pics are a better reflection of progress than the scale (personal opinion only – motivation should be inspired by whichever means work best for you) and have stopped weighing myself completely. The reason I stopped doing this was that it made me feel frustrated and anxious not to see the pounds dropping off each time I got on the scale.
I now take a visual weight measurement which makes me feel more secure in my progress.
I try to do the pics in the same size of shirt as I started out with – of the same brand.
Besides the pics I can also feel the difference in my everyday attire, and ease of movement.
I would still like to look like an Andrew Christian underwear model though – lol – and since I have given up trying the 12 week miracle transformation routines and have started focusing a little more on the step by step, one day at a time kind of routines, I have taken a breath – enjoyed some awesome sessions and some pretty good results.
The proof is in the pudding not being quite as wobbly as before and thats proof enough for me.
I should have probably done the whole holding up a newspaper thing, but it’s been tough enough going to gym in a pair of bike shorts without the added embarrassment of holding up a newspaper haha !
That along with the fact that I am not selling a 12 week  solution means I’ll just keep posting until I think it’s enough of the raggedy pics and have promised myself that I will put a picture of myself in a pair of skimpy briefs in another 6 months – win or fail …. just to keep me on track , I promise to post it with a warning beforehand so no one will loose their lunch involuntarily, and if it’s hot the world can just kiss my Endo-ass !
Here’s to hoping !

“Be Breakfast Smart”

from the Endomorph:
I never used to eat anything in the morning,
in fact I used to be quite proud of the fact that I could stay without any breakfast until almost lunch time.

I thought this would also categorise me as a small eater and you should loose weight when you skip a meal like breakfast right ??…
Wrong…
Skipping breakfast is probably the worst thing an Endomorph can do!! As it is we are like bears coming out of hibernation when we first wake up, because our metabolism is so slow. It is like trying to start an oversized antique diesel engine …. and now try starting it without any fuel !
That is exactly the problem – the metabolism stays shut down when the Endomorph refrains from adding fuel to the Engine = no metabolism = no burn = no energy = no weight loss – in fact … your body might actually try and push fat into hard to reach places because it is fooled into thinking that it will need storage due to pending starvation … say hello to a beer gut even if you don’t drink and ……..MAN BOOBS (aka moobs) the breakfast deprived body of an endomorph will push fat straight into the chest, because the chest muscles are so small and the least of the bodies metabolic action is concentrated in the chest.
If you really read up on muscle function you will see that “moobs” are like two litte fat silo’s under the neck and that if you are a slow burner you gotta really work at all the areas surrounding your “moobs” to burn the fat stored.

I carry most of my fat storage on my “moobs” and stomach and strangely most research shows that HIIT cardio along with weight training is more effective at getting rid of these little body snags than any diet alone.
I have actually now been converted to believe that there is no such thing as an effective diet, I hate the word ! I believe that the best diet is, not to diet but to be “food smart” …. you need to eat to loose weight !
So since the beginning of this month I have been “breakfast smart” and it started off real rocky, shaky and bumpy !
You have to find something you like to eat in the morning …. and something you like to MAKE in the morning. Making breakfast takes time … and if your a slow morning person ya aint gonna be flipping omelettes every morning, sometimes you can just fit in a bowl of oats and a bit of fruit and that is still 1 million  times the power of #no-breakfast.
#note … main stream cereals with animations on pretty coloured fun filled boxes are no good for breakfast especially if you are trying to loose fat , they are sugary sweet fat-traps , no matter how high in fibre the tell you they are, have way too much oestrogen and preservatives … you unfortunately have to be a little more inventive – even a piece of steak and 2 egg whites make a better breakfast than a bowl of , off the shelf serial!! (unless your 13 and burning fat at the temperature of the sun)
This morning I had a owl of oats with a banana and blueberries – cooked it in 5 min ate it in 3 , still had time to shave!
Interestingly enough – if you want to know why oats are good and a slow release energy food – leave your empty bowl unwashed for a while and see how long it takes you to get it clean later … like forever – not even water softens it up , it’s like cement! Same in your stomach, slow to digest but not heavy on digestion, low in fat + high in fibre and energy ! Follow with a protein shake , no milk mix with water and you got yourself a “super smart breakfast”.
If you have time to cook a steak – thats amazing – I’ll be right over !
Alternatively boil 3 eggs the night before – peel – strip the yolk – shop a red and yellow mini pepper – and bingo another great breakfast – on my menu for tomorrow morning !
So eat up Endomorphs – eat – burn – eat – burn – workout – trim up !
If this fatty can pull it off – so can you xoxo

“The Brutal Kindness of Strangers”

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from the Endomorph …

Remarkably, I haven’t quit, in fact I just got back from gym ! (#goldstar)
Sundays have become one of my  days to go to gym, it real quiet and for an hour I have the floor almost to myself and thats great if you want to try out a new workout and still feel a little clumsy !
The Truth … my weight hasn’t changed that much since my last update …
The Truth … I have lost body fat and my jumpers don’t look like I am trying to find a substitute for spandex anymore!
The Truth … I would have loved the scale to say :”wow your awesome you lost pounds” but scales don’t talk they just point and point out!!
The Truth … About a week ago I burst out crying because it felt like someone had used formaldehyde on my body and I was doomed to stay the same forever !! … and then a stranger told me to pull myself towards myself and that I didn’t get fat overnight and wouldn’t get thin overnight either … brutally honest opinions from strangers can piss you off enough to keep going!
The Dare … I have promised myself that over the next two weeks I will post a report with photo’s of a much slimmer me.
I have started to really focus on what I eat with much greater clarity than before, instead of starving myself I am eating small amounts on a regular basis. I have also started taking more time to prepare food in advance instead of trying to find something adequate at a moments notice … it doesn’t work.

“a little confession”…
“forgive me Father – for I wanted to commit the sin of desperation cheating”
(enter the Endomorph)
so here goes, don’t judge me too harshly ,but …
patience has never been one of my greatest virtues and this week I sneaked down to the pharmacy to beg for some miracle pill that will take the hunger away, or kill it completely (lowering head in shame)
(enter the girl behind the counter)
“thats fine” she said, “but just let me read you a little something on the leaflet here before you start swallowing”,and she started pausing between facts with a raised eyebrow.
“Side effects !”
“May cause renal failure” (raised eyebrow)
“May cause sever dizziness and heart palpitations (raised eyebrow)
“May cause shortness of breath (eyebrow still raised )
“May cause neurological damage “(still raised)
“May cause sleeplessness and agitation “(still raised)

“So”  she said, “Whats wrong with you, I thought you wanted to be healthy and in shape and be proud of your body, ain’t no one proud when they pissing themselves and cranky !!”
“Your legs working”, she asked
“Yes mam “, I said…
“Your arms working”, she asked
“Yes mam” I said ….
“Well you ain’t gonna be needing any shit like this then!” she said
“Yes mam” I said …
I left without a quick solution and I went to gym completing my program for the day feeling grateful that in a world where we seldom meet someone who cares enough what they leave us with, someone gave a damn!
And since I have to healthy arms and legs and a (relatively) good heart, I have no right to destroy or be ungrateful for the gifts I do have.
I went for a walk this week along the beach and thought how lucky I was to walk down the beach, a healthy guy who just needed to show his belly who was boss.

I also have a new friend … those are as hard to come by as flat stomachs !

“Cosmetic Fitness”

Male-Plastic-Surgery-Image-300x200
I know guys who look great at 40 even with sporting fine lines, they still look youthful and younger than their years.
For some of us though the tendency to frown a lot leaves us a little older looking than we would actually like to be.
It’s one thing to get glasses and look wiser,
it’s another to get deep lines and look older.

Age is not an enemy, it’s a natural part of the progression of life and happens to everyone.
How we age however is a personal choice.
We can choose to protect our skin from the sun, delete the creeping grey from our hair and we can stay fit, or not.
Personally I am choosing the former, I don’t want to look like my dad did at 45, I want to look like the dude on the camel in “Sex in the City #2!”
As I have aged, I have kept a fairy simple but adequate moisturising routine. A defence against the harshness of the African sun and the sever air-conditioned environment that I spend most of my working life inn.
Still I have developed deeper and more distinctive frown lines in my 30’s that I am also very sure is a little hereditary as most of the older generation of men in my family have sported them from their mid 30’s.
It is very unlikely that any moisturiser or facial peel will eliminate any of these lines, I don’t care if it’s made from the sperm of a lama thats been mixed with supernatural seaweed only found on the beaches of an Island no one has discovered except for the cosmetic company that makes it.

It seems that there are very limited choices as to non-surgical solutions to the problem.
Botox is one of them .
Would I do it ???
Yes I would .
I colour my hair (chemical) I take supplements (some chemicals) I eat chicken (probably more chemicals than Botox)

I think that is we work hard at getting our self in shape and we have crossed the line where moisturisers and slug slime help to eliminate creases under the eyes and wrinkles and lines, it’s great to have a choice to another alternative.

Botox (onabotulinumtoxinA) is a 10 min procedure that should leave you with a
smoother, younger looking skin. It should last anything from between 3 – 6 months and is less expensive than invasive plastic surgery,
and I would have to guess therefore less traumatic.

I cannot yet write a personal review in the regards of Botox, but have decided to use it as a “personal prize” to myself when I reach a certain weight within the next couple of months.

The research that I have done shows that it very rarely has any major side effects.
It is not harmful to the eyes and is often used to treat twitching eyelids.

I will however follow the following advice !!!
See an experienced Botox practitioner or reputable plastic surgeon only that specialises in Botox.
(don’t compromise on this man, you don’t want to look like you land outside as a lost member of some intergalactic race)
Be honest with your health care practitioner regarding any illness that you suffer from to any medications that your on !! (it’s not malpractice if they never knew!!)
Follow post and pre injection instructions very carefully and make sure you have received these instructions !
Report side effects immediately – a limpy eye is as sad as a limpy …
DON’T EVER JOIN A BOTOX PARTY – happens at a party at someones house  …( theres a reason why people pay thousands to study for years to be able to do these kind of things!! )
It would be awesome to get any comments on this, and hear from people who have actually had Botox!
Convinced or not ???
Remember it’s your body, it’s your choice, never let anyone ever talk you into stuff like this , be 100% sure for yourself !