the sunshine state of mind

from the endomorph:

keeping up a strict routine at gym is about as hard as walking on eggs …
no one will ever be able to tell me any different.
even on days i absolutely love going, the mission of going home, getting dressed and going back out can be an obstacle, especially when it is that cold outside and for some reason you seem to own a lot more gym shorts than sweat pants.
yet i have managed to bite down on the complaints and stepped up to stepping out.

i have dropped two pants sizes and lost about 15kg now with 20%BF – thats body fat … not boyfriend … as i am not sure
how one accurately measures that.
all of a sudden people here and there are saying … oh my you’ve lost weight … thank God … means it’s working i guess.
but oh the little sins in the kitchen … i am still battling with those a bit.
i can kill off a block of cheese faster than a possessed mouse of steroids.
and the late night craving for sommit sweet, why always at 11pm ??
i think there is an invisible fairy in my house that comes out at night sprinkling sweet fairy dust all over my senses.
how stupid we are to tell ourselves it’s ok to cheat a little here and there because tomorrow we will be back at gym working up a sweat and working out the chocolate of the night before.

this is just another vicious cycle that i like to create for myself.
investing in something that is hard work to obtain something that i really want without the effort of sticking to the rules.
a good body starts when you are not at gym …. thats what “they” all say.
and i know in my deepest lindt chocolate tormented heart that it is the truth.
it probably also isn’t as hard as the walk from my car in em shorties through the wind and rain to the very confusing revolving door of my gym.
(i always seem to make it stop when i am on the inside momentarily turning me into living art – tis the blond of my nature)

how to break the cycle … i don’t know yet … and will keep you up to date if i find something that works, a method or a spell.
perhaps it will just be admitting to myself that it is pointless to do one and not the other, perhaps i will acknowledge that now is probably the time to start, to try even a little harder than i have done before.
that saying no is not as much effort as an hour on the treadmill, and that an hour on the treadmill will be better spent loosing another kg than keeping off on that may have been gained the night before.

i would like to loose another 10kg’s before the summer. i have about 3 months to achieve this goal and the one thing i am very proud of is the fact that i still have a goal.
the other thing that i am very proud of is the fact that lately i am starting to do these things for myself, the focus has shifted from making someone else happy to finding a little warm place in the sun where i can just stretch out and be a little more of what there is behind the veil of a person i have been pretending to be.
there is nothing wrong with pretending for a while, if we have to do this to survive. i would have to guess one just needs to know when the time has come to lift the veil so that we won’t find ourselves lost in an act that just is to hard to turn back on.

i am guessing  that my time has come.
to keep looking back is going to make going forward a lot harder.
even if the sun is in your eyes, it will eventually be above you in the perfect place, merely shining down on you.
for now it might be good to squint a little, to walk straight into it, leaving the shadows behind.

the best part of this is that the sun comes out everyday and that it is never to late for any endomorph to start crawling, walking, running.
we are all champions to ourselves and being our own super-hero might just be the best rescuing act of our lives.

good luck .
to all
and
good luck … to me.

“the rude nude”

from the endomorph:

if you have ever really wanted to know what you look like, how others see you …
then go ahead and take a “rude-nude” picture of yourself !
i am not talking about the kind that would make pamela blush and become an online sensation!
i am talking of standing in your favourite knickers against a wall, contracting absolutely 0% of your body and having someone take a happy snappy
of you working it.

i recently did this …
forget it i’m not posting it … not now anyway, as i am still crawling under cabinets looking for my dignity.
a “rude-nude” is like having a bucket of freezing water dumped on you whilst you are all snuggled up and toasty in dreamland !
it’s a horrific shock and a complete sensory overload … again not the exciting kind.

stripped from the comfortable loose hanging shirt and (it just closes beneath the belly) pants there is a whole other dimension of reality you simply cannot mentally prepare for ever.
you just have to rip off that old plaster – and face the pain!

lets just say i’m not going to make the guys with i-phones page any time soon (you’ll know what this is if you like hot “rude-nudes”)
simply put … i freaked for the millionth time over the passed month –
it may not be politically correct in a blog carrying on about self love, unconditional love and acceptance, but i was really grossed out by myself!
time stood still as i looked at the screen of my phone – i have become enormous.
there was nothing sexy in the picture looking back at me and not even my “calvins” could save the day.
i have gone past the point of cuddly, or chubby – the guy in the picture was just plain fat.
there was no sign of someone caring for their body in that picture, it was all just about letting go, about not caring.
i should have done it a year ago and maybe i would not be struggling so much to keep my sinking atlantis above the water.

it is so easy to point the finger of blame, to look for the problem beyond the one that is staring you in the face like an elephant on crack !
it was time for me to accept a little of the blame for “atlantis sinking”.
i now knew if i didn’t start doing something right then and there it would be too late to save my world from being lost forever.
do or die … that was the first thing that came to my mind –
crumbling walls are easier to fix than a rotten foundation. i had little time left before this happened.
all of a sudden i needed to save the world … my world … and i knew instinctively that i was running out of time.

my rambling point is that sometimes we need to recognise that something like obesity can affect the happiness of a relationship.
mine was being severely affected by my weight – a problem that i without the proper self care had created all on my own.
i could not pass the torch of blame here any longer, no one forced food down my throat – no one kept me from gym , no one had become lazy about my personal appearance accept for me, but someone noticed.
my sloppy attitude toward my weight had been noticed by my partner, someone who really takes care of  his body.
i know all the comebacks to this, i wrote half of them myself, someone should love us without condition for who we are and how we care for them, but the world turns on a tilted access and things are not always as straightforward as we would like the to be.
look online at any website where people hook up.
guys with good bodies like other guys with good bodies and somehow come to think about it this is fair.
ask yourself this question and then think about it before you disagree.
why must he/she work hard at looking good and staying in shape for you … if you don’t give a rats ass about your own body.
like everything else in the world boys and girls this causes and imbalance, one that i guarantee you will lead to problems, wondering eyes and even worse.
somehow it’s the law of nature – a certain type will almost always be attracted to a similar type.
and make no mistake – somewhere out there there is always a more appealing choice when you fall off the wagon, and with all the technology we live with, the awareness of that fact is explosive.
we live in a world where we have to fight harder for everything and everyone we want to hold on to.
i tried ignoring this fact for year, i didn’t want to be part of it, in fact i hate it, but it is impossible to do.
you simply cannot burry your head in the sand, pretend that he she is not on fb, twitter, instagram, fitocracy ect ect
they are, and they see everyday that there is someone out there going to more trouble than you are, and the ones that they are seeing are seeing them and they are noticing that you are not going to the trouble that they are too.
all you can do is pray to God that there is some way that you will have enough time to hold on for dear life to the person you love, that something in you still makes you more appealing than the whole world which now lives in our homes, on or computers and phones.
if you close your eyes to this you might as well tear them out.
i have done so for years,
i am DONE doing so now.

that good old saying – “if you can’t beat them join them” – there’s a reason for that.
i chose to be with someone who has never been average, when we met i was not average either.
somewhere i just forgot about that or wanted to ignore the fact that i was slipping up big time.

keep your fingers crossed that i will make it before it’s too late.

summary:
never ever give up – even if you have lost a battle or two … regroup, recharge and go win the war.
xoxo

“Hair Fitness”

Have your hair professionally cut

Have your hair professionally cut

the "one" I chose !

the “one” I chose !

"short sides high top, thin face!"

“short sides high top, thin face!”

"sharp and business like!"

“sharp and business like!”

"ruggedly sporty but still neat"

“ruggedly sporty but still neat”

"casual and strong"

“casual and strong”

from the “Endomorph”

I have lost a few cm’s around the waist over the past month, but as for some “Endomorphs” I loos weight at a particularly
slow rate.
So one of the deepest pot-holes in the road to fitness freedom for an endomorph is that change is sometimes visually slow.
That is why I have suggested in a previous post that it could help to spruce up ones wardrobe as an added motivational tool.
I fall into potholes like this quite easily depending on my energy levels and mood.
So it is not surprising that after enduring an extremely stressful weekend at work (I am a retailer) I felt the onset of bad temperament and despondency , actually I was just plain tired.
I had to work pretty much around the clock as we had staff issues and I had to fill the gap. The result was that I couldn’t get to gym for a couple of days and a couple became 4 very quickly.
The only saving grace that I had by this point is I maintained a healthy diet as regimentally as possible, and managed not to meet a burger along the way, which would have been a very convenient dietary solution.
A friend suggested I get a haircut to jump start the engines, and just to pamper myself.
I have never spent much time on “hair fashion” and pretty much kept it manageable and that was about it.
So I thought I’d give it a go and sauntered down to a local professional hair salon.
…enter Bianca…
The first thing my stylist called Bianca wanted to know from me is if I had any pictures of the style and colour I wanted.
My expression blanked…
I was used to just getting a “whatever is quick” haircut and had not much worried about the colour.
Bianca pointed out that since I was not 22 anymore a lot of fine grey hair had sprouted … somehow.
She also pointed out that since I had spent very little time in the sun of late that my hair was void of any natural highlights that the natural dark blond was even darker and that with the grey I was looking quit bland and tired… I agreed.
So we decided to rejuvenate the colour to a much lighter blond with darker tones and while the foils were being done and we waited for the colour to take, I hit up google for some styles. I found just by typing “top mens hairstyles for 2013” you’d easily get to pages filled with  the latest trends and best styles.
I particularly liked GQ’s advice on mens hairstyles and chose on that I thought I could pull off.
Now this is tricky for the reason that GQ models all seem to have squarely etched jaw lines and high cheekbones, and great hair, which mean that they could pretty much put a flowerpot on their head and spray paint it yellow and still look hot.
I have thick wavy hair and an oval face that is still working hard to produce the lack of a double chin and the appearance of cheek bones.
Sooooo, even though I find that most of the men’s hair styles for 2013 are actually quite nice and sharp looking, a lot sport an extremely short side and high top or sleeked back look.
The “endomorph” who is still loosing weight needs to be careful not to go too short as to overexpose the face, it is good to keep some focus on the length and try to visually slim down the face.
I chose a style with this in mind, as to be in keeping with the trend but a little longer on the fringe and sides with a sporty all over feel more rugby than footy as “Bianca” called it which I thought was quite funny.
I also received a quick lesson “free” of the difference between professional hair care products and the “off the shelf” itchy scalp kind. If you can invest in professional products a little at a time goes a long way and for the older “endomorph” has great advantages like a reduction in hair-loss and proper protection against dandruff (always gross, your not a Zamboni) as well as keeping hair shiny for longer.
Google products or ask your stylist, they are hair doctors after all !
When my hair was all done and “GHD’d” I was actually speechless. I looked years younger and …slimmer !!
I felt better about life.
I felt better about my body.
I felt motivated to get back to gym so that I would look even better the next time round and …
I am a visual delight !
My conclusion and the point to writing an entire “blab” about hair is that fitness is not simply about the body and loosing wight.
It is also an “AWARENESS”.
It is important to be aware that fitness touches the psyche, that by paying  attention to something left to chance you can inspire a whole new beginning.
Fitness is about pampering the body and the spirit. Rest when you are tired but keep focused.
I have learned that even if your face is not a chiselled marvel of design, you can still pay attention to the appearance of your hair, and this
has another kind of kickback…. PEOPLE NOTICE , and all of a sudden they notice you look a little more fit and then your mind interprets this as …. wait for it ……
I AM DOING SOMETHING RIGHT !!!
There is no better motivation for persistence than a mind that BELIEVES what it is doing is right !!

We are all GQ men just waiting to happen to the world and ourselves.
And Ima gonna get back to gym today !

“Bitter Chocolate”

from the “Endomorph:”

It has been exactly one month since I dragged myself out of my lazy bearish hibernation and off to the gym.
I went hoping to change my body and alter my badly overweight condition.
So today I took some new photo’s wearing exactly the same shirt in the same gym.
Thank God there has been a little shape change otherwise I would through myself from a building.
I still struggle looking at the images of myself as they seem so alien so distant from what I thought I looked like.
I still can’t help thinking , “how did that happen”, and “is that really me?”
Yet the pictures don’t lie – it really is me! (and I don’t mean it in the “wow, what a spectacular specimen kind of way more like the “blegh,
I stepped barefoot on a slug” kind of way !)

When your body is drastically bloated out of proportion change seems to happen in the most torturously slow kind of way.
This is a danger-zone for any Endomorph, and a very big danger zone for someone like me who has very limited patience for just about anything other than my dog. I am a control freak, insecure and mostly demand instant gratification.
These are not the characteristics one really needs to accomplish success in the gym. (or really in the broader spectrum of life)
The lesson here is that training and reshaping will probably teach you a couple of things about yourself.
For me (on a personal level) it is that any change comes at the price of giving up one action for another.
You cannot always have your cake and eat it.
“Literally this isn’t working for me – I had a piece of cake today because I didn’t want to offend anyone – and my body is rejecting it like
mind rejects the colour combination yellow and green.”
I feel shaky , nauseous and have incredible heart burn –
Could it be that my body prefers the splendour of salmon and salad???
Death by chocolate mouse is exactly how I am feeling right now!
If you told me this 3 months ago I would have told you that your on crack.
Even going to gym has become a simpler task and I dare to say I am almost looking forward to it now.
Looking at these pictures I also cannot deny that no man should be sporting “moobs” the size of mine.
It just isn’t right to have bigger boobs than the girls down at hooters!
And if a “drag queen” tells you she wish she had your breasts, you know you have hit an all time body fat low.
This happened to me, and I am struggling to see the positive side of a compliment like that, even when it wasn’t really meant from a place of ill intent.
I sorta have to admit that I would rather one day have some random dude tell me I have a great chest.
I don’t know if it is possible to reduce the size of my “moobs” through training,
but I have promised myself that if I achieve a certain weight again and they are still bouncing around, I’d go under the knife.
It is the one thing that has always bothered me about my body and if I have the chance to do something about it with the assistance of surgery, I wouldn’t hesitate.
“Moobs” are a horror to straight men and gay men alike.
Research has shown that a lot of the time it is genetic and sometimes it’s just fat.
I believe my “moobs” are genetic since a had them even when I was virtually “manorexic!”
It suck’s to have “moobs”, there is nothing hot about a guy with breasts and it can lead to hurtful comments even when made in jest,
I have heard them all!
So not only am I on a mission to change the incredibly bloated shape of my body,
but I am on a mission to fight a life long embarrassing condition that I am now really just fed up with.
I guess that means today a wished farewell to baked goods.
For now chocolate flavoured protein bars will have to be the sweet treat to my week !
"Endomorphs Metamorphosis" "Endomorphs Metamorphosis" "Endomorphs Metamorphosis" "Endomorphs Metamorphosis"

Do it the “Old Khaki” way !!

"Postcards from Oxford"

“Postcards from Oxford”

 

Get your "Goat" on !

Get your “Goat” on !

Fashion is about much the same, and I believe that looking good contributes to feeling good.

My advice, find a clothing brand that works with your body.
I have been struggling with this for years.
I am a short square, most manufacturers cater to persons of lengthy statuesque proportions, which makes the search
for appropriate apparel a little more challenging.
For instance there is a big movement currently toward “skinny jeans” and “skinny  …” just about everything else.
For an Endomorph with short legs and a rugby players shoulders working his way back to fitness, this is the most ridiculous look ever.
It makes you look like a bowling pin and even larger and more out of proportion than you feel.
This is great if you have the retro body of the “Ectomorph”, and get your style tips from John and Yoko !
It took me months to find a brand that didn’t cut off the circulation in my legs and sat so low that my crack was visible to the whole world . I have almost no bum and a (currently) rounder middle , which means every time you bend in a pair of hip hugging skinny jeans, the whole lot pulls down to your knees.

I also had to find a budget friendly brand without it being typically cheap !
Its financially straining for anyone that is working towards fitness and having to buy supplements, to have to splurge large amounts on clothing as well ! I.O.W I just can’t afford “Diesel, Gucci and Prada” lol !!

I was given an “Old Khaki” gym bag for my birthday and immediately connected with the masculine, almost vintagy, postcards from Oxford kind of feel.
So I decided to check out their clothing as well and “Bam!” , what a cool brand !!
Even though the pants were a size “36” they didn’t look like my dads or like I belonged on a park bench.
They fit perfectly, a mix between cargo and smart casual. (still a little too long but nothing my tailor can’t chop)
Nice comfortable loose cut around the leg but not baggy ! (also makes an Endomorph look shorter !!)
Since winter has hit in the Southern Hemisphere, I opted for to great jumpers with the same vintage feel, slightly faded v-necks,
and slim body but not constrictive.
There is something about “Old Khaki” that wants to make you buy a “Moleskin” journal and a real set of “Travel Chests” so that you could head towards “Victoria Falls’ on a journey to finding the lost treasures of Sheba !
I’m loving it.
I am not saying that this brand is the sensible choice for every “Endomorph” out there !! (We are not all short squares)
I am saying that I made a personal connection with a certain style that suites my current shape and made me feel good about myself
and more importantly about shopping for clothes which I have found an almost traumatic experience in the past !

Again there is a small relation to fitness …. NEVER GIVE UP !

from the Endomorph:

Metamorphosis – the missing fitness mag link … ?

metamorphosis – wikipedia:
Metamorphosis is a biological process by which an animal develops after birth or hatching,
involving a conspicuous and abrupt change in the animals body structure through cell growth and differentiation .
Some insects, cnidarians, amphibians, molluscs, and tunicates undergo metamorphosis,
which is usually accompanied by a change of habitat or behaviour.

from the Endomorph:

I bought my first fitness mag when I was still googly-eyed and at school.
I was picked on for being arty and different and thought that if I went to gym to gain some muscle,
I would be able to swing things in my favour a little.
The first magazine I ever purchased was a “Mens Workout” mag, and there it was, page after page of shiny genetically amplified muscle.
My first thoughts about the guy on the inside middle page was…
“ain’t no one gonna get up in your face !” and
“whoa, them are some short, shorts ya all wearing!”
Unfortunately for me I never quite understood that most of the guys in fitness mags where “metamorphosed” creatures belonging to a select group of only perhaps a few thousand on this great big turning ball of a planet inhabited by 5.99988887777666 billion other
people.
It was a pity that the particular magazine I had bought only sported images of super-humans and didn’t come with a content warning!

After reading about weight-lifting and supplements, I ran to gym, joined (for the first of a million times) and nearly pitched a tent the first week from not wanting to leave.
By week two my enthusiasm decreased, and by week three, I was ready to move back home.
And for f**k sake I still didn’t look anything like anyone in those mags – not possible !
(I did however look half anorexic as I ate barely anything and dropped weight like a good habit . FYI this don’t happen after 30 no more.)
I had the same routine throughout my 20’s.
Each time I would catch the fever – I would run to gym and want it to happen overnight.
I wanted to be a magazine boy !
I would have also probably achieved more if I started selling them on street corners.
My weight yo-yoed out of control – I added and lost muscle like Hue lost Bunnies and I became despondent and depressed.

There were a couple of things missing from my “routine”:
1) actually having a routine
2)doing my homework regarding fitness
3)figuring out what a proper diet consisted of = 80% of what working out is about.
4)learning not to waste my time if I thought it was a waste of time
5)what my body type was,
6)”magazine boys” didn’t rock the pages after working out for 12 weeks.

Fact is, “magazine guys” are great motivation for fitness and weight training. Fitness magazines also wouldn’t sell if say, you put me on the cover without a shirt on. Fact is that fitness is a huge business and all about the selling products, equipment and beauty.
Thats ok , it creates employment and gives us something to look at.
It would however just be really great for once just to add a dash of reality, and by looking at all the reality crap they kill television with, there must be a market.
I would have been a lot more grateful if somewhere along the line they included an average guy , who didn’t get the chance to spend his life in the gym, who had a lot of stress and a big old fat belly and said, “right lets see if any of this works”.
And then make him write an article about it, so that we could learn about the absolute hell it is to go through a metamorphosis of the body and more importantly the mind.
How to keep going at it when real things happen like,
your company is in trouble,
your boss is an asshole,
your business is not breaking even,
your drive by 2000 fast food holes on your way home
your partner doesn’t want to touch you with a broom in the basement
your cost of living spirals into orbit each day.

I find it hard to train when bad things are happening, or when I am sad.
This is the most important time to train because of the whole endorphin thing blah, blah.
But you know what?…
It’s hard to drive to gym, when you can go home and loose yourself in another crap episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” (those people need Jesus)
It’s easy to say, later, tomorrow and not now.
It’s hard to say ok, 45mins and burnout.
Ripping your muscles apart and drowning in sweat – sucks, it really does, and what sucks even more is squats and that you look like you
have pooped yourself the day after because you can’t climb the stairs to your office.
The biggest suck-fest is that it all happens quite slowly if you have the body type that was put together when God was not in character that particular day and your DNA spiral is a little bent.

We can only ever do our best.
Sometimes doing our best means doing something out of character.
Sometimes we have to change the habitat that we are comfortable in, displace ourselves to such and extent that we are uncomfortable and even in pain.
I cannot guarantee it, but I am almost certain that this will initiate a change of energy, and to be honest at this point in time I pray that I am right, because right now I am in that uncomfortable place.

Today I have poop-legs and an extremely stressful reality weighing down on my life, that makes lifting more weight look like such an insignificant part of the process.
I am uncomfortable in my personal life,
but I am going to go to gym anyway, because I would really LIKE to loose some inches off this 43 inch belly and because it’s uncomfortable and I can still choose to do it,
makes me a little more free today than I was a week ago.