the sunshine state of mind

from the endomorph:

keeping up a strict routine at gym is about as hard as walking on eggs …
no one will ever be able to tell me any different.
even on days i absolutely love going, the mission of going home, getting dressed and going back out can be an obstacle, especially when it is that cold outside and for some reason you seem to own a lot more gym shorts than sweat pants.
yet i have managed to bite down on the complaints and stepped up to stepping out.

i have dropped two pants sizes and lost about 15kg now with 20%BF – thats body fat … not boyfriend … as i am not sure
how one accurately measures that.
all of a sudden people here and there are saying … oh my you’ve lost weight … thank God … means it’s working i guess.
but oh the little sins in the kitchen … i am still battling with those a bit.
i can kill off a block of cheese faster than a possessed mouse of steroids.
and the late night craving for sommit sweet, why always at 11pm ??
i think there is an invisible fairy in my house that comes out at night sprinkling sweet fairy dust all over my senses.
how stupid we are to tell ourselves it’s ok to cheat a little here and there because tomorrow we will be back at gym working up a sweat and working out the chocolate of the night before.

this is just another vicious cycle that i like to create for myself.
investing in something that is hard work to obtain something that i really want without the effort of sticking to the rules.
a good body starts when you are not at gym …. thats what “they” all say.
and i know in my deepest lindt chocolate tormented heart that it is the truth.
it probably also isn’t as hard as the walk from my car in em shorties through the wind and rain to the very confusing revolving door of my gym.
(i always seem to make it stop when i am on the inside momentarily turning me into living art – tis the blond of my nature)

how to break the cycle … i don’t know yet … and will keep you up to date if i find something that works, a method or a spell.
perhaps it will just be admitting to myself that it is pointless to do one and not the other, perhaps i will acknowledge that now is probably the time to start, to try even a little harder than i have done before.
that saying no is not as much effort as an hour on the treadmill, and that an hour on the treadmill will be better spent loosing another kg than keeping off on that may have been gained the night before.

i would like to loose another 10kg’s before the summer. i have about 3 months to achieve this goal and the one thing i am very proud of is the fact that i still have a goal.
the other thing that i am very proud of is the fact that lately i am starting to do these things for myself, the focus has shifted from making someone else happy to finding a little warm place in the sun where i can just stretch out and be a little more of what there is behind the veil of a person i have been pretending to be.
there is nothing wrong with pretending for a while, if we have to do this to survive. i would have to guess one just needs to know when the time has come to lift the veil so that we won’t find ourselves lost in an act that just is to hard to turn back on.

i am guessing  that my time has come.
to keep looking back is going to make going forward a lot harder.
even if the sun is in your eyes, it will eventually be above you in the perfect place, merely shining down on you.
for now it might be good to squint a little, to walk straight into it, leaving the shadows behind.

the best part of this is that the sun comes out everyday and that it is never to late for any endomorph to start crawling, walking, running.
we are all champions to ourselves and being our own super-hero might just be the best rescuing act of our lives.

good luck .
to all
good luck … to me.

“finding neverland”

it has been quite some time since i have made an entry on this blog.
the reason for this is that i have fallen off the fitness wagon, the spinning cycle and the treadmill.
there was only shame.

as the months passed i regressed into gaining back most of the weight i lost and went from 94kg’s to a staggering 101.2 kg’s.
i became distressed, and angry with myself.
the punchline came when christmas came around. i tried hard to find the perfect gifts for the people i loved, especially for the guy in
my life.
i was childlike in my excitement when christmas morning finally came around as one would be when it is your only day off during the year.
when it came round to my turn to open gifts, my partner had wrapped a “fitbit” scale for me.
my world dissolved in an instant, all joy left my body and my hart shrank into a place that i have not yet managed to go and look for it again.
it was like opening pandora’s box. it swallowed everything around me, i spent nights and days on my own feeling hurt, alone and depressed.
i cried for weeks before i finally managed to open the box.
there was no support in this gesture but the obvious was being pointed out to me .
without any subtlety i was being notified that my body was
as repulsive to the person i was with as probably i felt it was to myself.

still nothing changed i was left paralysed as if someone had taken all the things that made my life special and put it through the shredder.
in my naivety i always imagined love to be enough, that no matter what stages of bodyweight, health or wealth a person went through love would be unconditional, it would matter as it has never mattered to me.
i was wrong, love is not enough. it has labels like everything else in this frivolous world where people judge critically by social standing, physical conditioning, wealth and influence.
i was a hopeless romantic, all of a sudden i was just hopeless.

as all tsunamis go the wave of destruction gathered force and swept it’s devastating carnage through all the corners of my life.
i found that on social networks his friends were all toned, muscular men, i was nothing like them.
i have spent my life caring for people with my heart and all of a sudden i could no longer find the reason to caring anymore.
paranoia ensued, followed by doubt and fear.
his actions were without regret, there was no remorse in the conflict that came from them, he shrugged away the pain that it caused me on a daily basis.

somehow i have managed to find a piece of myself lying amongst the rubble that was once a life i imagined perfect. i picked them up quietly and studied them as if seeing them for the first time.
there was still a little glow of light dimly reflecting of the surface, barely warm to the touch.
i hoped it would be enough to keep going. i hoped it would be enough to not walk down the road and never look back.
so i carefully placed the pieces in the hollow space that once held and exuberant light.
they were mere embers that i prayed would warm the icy landscape around them even if just a little.
i was a peter pan without fairy dust, i was the lion who lost his main, i was a land without a sun.

i finally managed to dust off my physical body, reboot my mind and find my way back to the gym.
it has been three weeks now, i have not missed a single session, i have starved myself from eating anything more than a single hand full of food everyday. i have lost the 10 kg’s and am now back at 94kg’s.
once again i am back at the beginning.
this beginning i hope will make me acceptable in they eyes of the world, this beginning i hope will make someone love me, if not for who i am then at least for what i am.

i hope too that anyone out there who loves with there heart may not have it so brutally stolen away.
i pray that you will be loved as you are without condition.
if you too must start again be gentle with the light inside of you, there is nothing so hard as to live with only a little of something that was once a lot of everything you knew.

from the endomorph: