“The Brutal Kindness of Strangers”

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from the Endomorph …

Remarkably, I haven’t quit, in fact I just got back from gym ! (#goldstar)
Sundays have become one of my  days to go to gym, it real quiet and for an hour I have the floor almost to myself and thats great if you want to try out a new workout and still feel a little clumsy !
The Truth … my weight hasn’t changed that much since my last update …
The Truth … I have lost body fat and my jumpers don’t look like I am trying to find a substitute for spandex anymore!
The Truth … I would have loved the scale to say :”wow your awesome you lost pounds” but scales don’t talk they just point and point out!!
The Truth … About a week ago I burst out crying because it felt like someone had used formaldehyde on my body and I was doomed to stay the same forever !! … and then a stranger told me to pull myself towards myself and that I didn’t get fat overnight and wouldn’t get thin overnight either … brutally honest opinions from strangers can piss you off enough to keep going!
The Dare … I have promised myself that over the next two weeks I will post a report with photo’s of a much slimmer me.
I have started to really focus on what I eat with much greater clarity than before, instead of starving myself I am eating small amounts on a regular basis. I have also started taking more time to prepare food in advance instead of trying to find something adequate at a moments notice … it doesn’t work.

“a little confession”…
“forgive me Father – for I wanted to commit the sin of desperation cheating”
(enter the Endomorph)
so here goes, don’t judge me too harshly ,but …
patience has never been one of my greatest virtues and this week I sneaked down to the pharmacy to beg for some miracle pill that will take the hunger away, or kill it completely (lowering head in shame)
(enter the girl behind the counter)
“thats fine” she said, “but just let me read you a little something on the leaflet here before you start swallowing”,and she started pausing between facts with a raised eyebrow.
“Side effects !”
“May cause renal failure” (raised eyebrow)
“May cause sever dizziness and heart palpitations (raised eyebrow)
“May cause shortness of breath (eyebrow still raised )
“May cause neurological damage “(still raised)
“May cause sleeplessness and agitation “(still raised)

“So”  she said, “Whats wrong with you, I thought you wanted to be healthy and in shape and be proud of your body, ain’t no one proud when they pissing themselves and cranky !!”
“Your legs working”, she asked
“Yes mam “, I said…
“Your arms working”, she asked
“Yes mam” I said ….
“Well you ain’t gonna be needing any shit like this then!” she said
“Yes mam” I said …
I left without a quick solution and I went to gym completing my program for the day feeling grateful that in a world where we seldom meet someone who cares enough what they leave us with, someone gave a damn!
And since I have to healthy arms and legs and a (relatively) good heart, I have no right to destroy or be ungrateful for the gifts I do have.
I went for a walk this week along the beach and thought how lucky I was to walk down the beach, a healthy guy who just needed to show his belly who was boss.

I also have a new friend … those are as hard to come by as flat stomachs !

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“The dark stare of the gym-gods”


from the Endomorph:
Nothing is more sad than weighing inn after a month and finding your weight is exactly, I mean to the decimal of where it was before.
It feels as if someone has stuck a hypodermic needle in my stomach and filled it with formaldehyde !
It also feels as if the gym gods have turned their backs on me and have dropped me in some kind of sick state of suspended animation.
I have not lost a single ounce of weight over the past month.
I have cut out sugars,
milk,
bread,
cheese,
fries,
SODA,
and still …. nothing ??
It’s almost heartbreaking to me, even if I weighed in at 2kg’s lighter, I would have been less disheartened !
What now,
do I simply stop all of this, except my fate and walk away !!
I have done that my entire life …. accepted things and walked away.
I accepted abuse as a young adult and lived with it for 10 years before I finally did something about it.
I have walked away from opportunities than I can count because I had no faith in myself or the world around me.
I have given up on so many things and so many people in my life that it can easily said that I have given up on myself.

In the instance where a parent turns away from us, or a spouse severely abuses us, perhaps we can place the blame for a very short time in the hands of another.
However when we just give over to the “FEELING” of defeat and walk away from opportunity because we are not looking for another way to achieve out goals, then there is no where to put the blame but in our own hands.
I don’t want to walk away from something I believe in for once just because it hasn’t turned out exactly the way I intended for it to do.
The condition that my body is currently in is the result of lifestyle choices I have made over the past couple of years, something I did to myself.
I should know better than most that abuse inflicted on the human body cannot be undone in the single space of a month where the neglect suffered continued for such an extensive period of time.
I didn’t look after my diet for at least 36 months.
I ate without consequence and drank about 8 litres of “Coke Zero” on an average day.
I poisoned myself, and now…. I am angry about it, and don’t get why the weight is not just melting away like ice.
I have little option but to seek penance in the eyes of the “gym-gods” and hope at some point of time perseverance and dedication will pay off.
I am not going to just give up so easily this time.
Walking away from fitness means turning my back on myself, on hope for myself and most likely a better life.