“the rude nude”

from the endomorph:

if you have ever really wanted to know what you look like, how others see you …
then go ahead and take a “rude-nude” picture of yourself !
i am not talking about the kind that would make pamela blush and become an online sensation!
i am talking of standing in your favourite knickers against a wall, contracting absolutely 0% of your body and having someone take a happy snappy
of you working it.

i recently did this …
forget it i’m not posting it … not now anyway, as i am still crawling under cabinets looking for my dignity.
a “rude-nude” is like having a bucket of freezing water dumped on you whilst you are all snuggled up and toasty in dreamland !
it’s a horrific shock and a complete sensory overload … again not the exciting kind.

stripped from the comfortable loose hanging shirt and (it just closes beneath the belly) pants there is a whole other dimension of reality you simply cannot mentally prepare for ever.
you just have to rip off that old plaster – and face the pain!

lets just say i’m not going to make the guys with i-phones page any time soon (you’ll know what this is if you like hot “rude-nudes”)
simply put … i freaked for the millionth time over the passed month –
it may not be politically correct in a blog carrying on about self love, unconditional love and acceptance, but i was really grossed out by myself!
time stood still as i looked at the screen of my phone – i have become enormous.
there was nothing sexy in the picture looking back at me and not even my “calvins” could save the day.
i have gone past the point of cuddly, or chubby – the guy in the picture was just plain fat.
there was no sign of someone caring for their body in that picture, it was all just about letting go, about not caring.
i should have done it a year ago and maybe i would not be struggling so much to keep my sinking atlantis above the water.

it is so easy to point the finger of blame, to look for the problem beyond the one that is staring you in the face like an elephant on crack !
it was time for me to accept a little of the blame for “atlantis sinking”.
i now knew if i didn’t start doing something right then and there it would be too late to save my world from being lost forever.
do or die … that was the first thing that came to my mind –
crumbling walls are easier to fix than a rotten foundation. i had little time left before this happened.
all of a sudden i needed to save the world … my world … and i knew instinctively that i was running out of time.

my rambling point is that sometimes we need to recognise that something like obesity can affect the happiness of a relationship.
mine was being severely affected by my weight – a problem that i without the proper self care had created all on my own.
i could not pass the torch of blame here any longer, no one forced food down my throat – no one kept me from gym , no one had become lazy about my personal appearance accept for me, but someone noticed.
my sloppy attitude toward my weight had been noticed by my partner, someone who really takes care of  his body.
i know all the comebacks to this, i wrote half of them myself, someone should love us without condition for who we are and how we care for them, but the world turns on a tilted access and things are not always as straightforward as we would like the to be.
look online at any website where people hook up.
guys with good bodies like other guys with good bodies and somehow come to think about it this is fair.
ask yourself this question and then think about it before you disagree.
why must he/she work hard at looking good and staying in shape for you … if you don’t give a rats ass about your own body.
like everything else in the world boys and girls this causes and imbalance, one that i guarantee you will lead to problems, wondering eyes and even worse.
somehow it’s the law of nature – a certain type will almost always be attracted to a similar type.
and make no mistake – somewhere out there there is always a more appealing choice when you fall off the wagon, and with all the technology we live with, the awareness of that fact is explosive.
we live in a world where we have to fight harder for everything and everyone we want to hold on to.
i tried ignoring this fact for year, i didn’t want to be part of it, in fact i hate it, but it is impossible to do.
you simply cannot burry your head in the sand, pretend that he she is not on fb, twitter, instagram, fitocracy ect ect
they are, and they see everyday that there is someone out there going to more trouble than you are, and the ones that they are seeing are seeing them and they are noticing that you are not going to the trouble that they are too.
all you can do is pray to God that there is some way that you will have enough time to hold on for dear life to the person you love, that something in you still makes you more appealing than the whole world which now lives in our homes, on or computers and phones.
if you close your eyes to this you might as well tear them out.
i have done so for years,
i am DONE doing so now.

that good old saying – “if you can’t beat them join them” – there’s a reason for that.
i chose to be with someone who has never been average, when we met i was not average either.
somewhere i just forgot about that or wanted to ignore the fact that i was slipping up big time.

keep your fingers crossed that i will make it before it’s too late.

summary:
never ever give up – even if you have lost a battle or two … regroup, recharge and go win the war.
xoxo

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