to “worth” it, or to “worth” it not !

from the endomorph:

it’s pouring in cape-town.
the rain is coming down with the kind of effort that i have been trying to achieve at gym.
it’s only 3.36 in the afternoon but the charcoal grey of the sky has kissed the day with darkness.
the wind outside cutting from all sides.
even though it’s gloomy and cold with that real “twilight” glampire’s gonna jump you at any moment feel,
i am feeling kind of chipper and toasty inside, though even typing is a sore story as my arms are completely fatigued after today’s workout.

who am i to say what is “worth” it and what is not?
“worth” is something that only becomes sensible when an individual attributes value to the factor.
i am not able to tell you if pushing yourself in the gym will be “worth” it to you or anyone else for that matter.
i have only recently been able to attribute “worth” to gym-ing myself.
this may be because in general i felt completely “worthless” as a person.
no, not because i was severely overweight, that was merely the product of my emotional state.
i felt worthless because i stopped attributing “worth” to myself in comparison to others.
that was the nr.1 probable cause to a lot of my thinking, attitude and behaviour towards food, excersize, business and individual creativity.
i have had this illness since childhood.
roots so deep you need a forklift to just get through the first 100 layers of dirt.
so whats the endomorphic point to the babble ….
well just this, even though it is a pain in the ass and most of the rest of my body to keep on going, i have made the smallest connection to a very disconnected relationship with my body.
discomforting as it may sound to the sane of mind, … stretching your muscles to a place where you have never ventured to take your body, muscles or mind before, awakens a link between the physical and spiritual bodies.
it is as if small electrical currents are being blasted between the two whilst experiencing pain or extreme physical effort.
sounds very S&M i know, but for myself personally i cannot imagine separating the two whilst at gym.
for fek sakes it sounds all very fungi … but ja … it really is a reality shock.
as numb as i have felt as a living humanoid amoeba over the past year, so detached from my body that it was as if i was in a permanent state of astral projection, so connected i feel when i am aching like crap after gym.
so for me, i attribute “worth” to gym because one is forced to count on yourself for a result.
i have been forced into connecting with my physical body, drawing from the mental and spiritual at the same time, some days just to make it through the door.
i would not have been able to persist if i could not attribute any “worth” to the experience.
i don’t think it’s worth it to do anything if one is not able to attribute “worth” to the action as the reaction will be “worthless” and i would dare to say even damaging in the end.

for anyone who ever reads my babble please know that this is not a blog about trying to convince anyone that going to gym will save you from anything in particular, or that it is life changing or even that you need to ever go at all !
this is a blog about changing a life, using gym as the only thing i could think of at the time.
and it is also a way to tell myself the things many a lost friend had spent countless breaths trying to tell me before.
sometimes when we say it to ourselves, only then do we start listening and paying attention.

if it is skydiving that works for you or swimming naked in the arctic, then may all the gods poor their blessings on you, as long as you know that it is better to try something than it is to give up on everything.
i would love to say happiness can be found watching porn and jerking all day, but it seems like sometimes you need to get out there in the real world and kick the bastard in the face.

good luck to you …
and
good luck to me!

IMG_4960 IMG_4965 IMG_4964 latest pics taken at gym on the 3d july – tights and orange shoes …. now that takes a real man #LOL
IMG_4963

 

the sunshine state of mind

from the endomorph:

keeping up a strict routine at gym is about as hard as walking on eggs …
no one will ever be able to tell me any different.
even on days i absolutely love going, the mission of going home, getting dressed and going back out can be an obstacle, especially when it is that cold outside and for some reason you seem to own a lot more gym shorts than sweat pants.
yet i have managed to bite down on the complaints and stepped up to stepping out.

i have dropped two pants sizes and lost about 15kg now with 20%BF – thats body fat … not boyfriend … as i am not sure
how one accurately measures that.
all of a sudden people here and there are saying … oh my you’ve lost weight … thank God … means it’s working i guess.
but oh the little sins in the kitchen … i am still battling with those a bit.
i can kill off a block of cheese faster than a possessed mouse of steroids.
and the late night craving for sommit sweet, why always at 11pm ??
i think there is an invisible fairy in my house that comes out at night sprinkling sweet fairy dust all over my senses.
how stupid we are to tell ourselves it’s ok to cheat a little here and there because tomorrow we will be back at gym working up a sweat and working out the chocolate of the night before.

this is just another vicious cycle that i like to create for myself.
investing in something that is hard work to obtain something that i really want without the effort of sticking to the rules.
a good body starts when you are not at gym …. thats what “they” all say.
and i know in my deepest lindt chocolate tormented heart that it is the truth.
it probably also isn’t as hard as the walk from my car in em shorties through the wind and rain to the very confusing revolving door of my gym.
(i always seem to make it stop when i am on the inside momentarily turning me into living art – tis the blond of my nature)

how to break the cycle … i don’t know yet … and will keep you up to date if i find something that works, a method or a spell.
perhaps it will just be admitting to myself that it is pointless to do one and not the other, perhaps i will acknowledge that now is probably the time to start, to try even a little harder than i have done before.
that saying no is not as much effort as an hour on the treadmill, and that an hour on the treadmill will be better spent loosing another kg than keeping off on that may have been gained the night before.

i would like to loose another 10kg’s before the summer. i have about 3 months to achieve this goal and the one thing i am very proud of is the fact that i still have a goal.
the other thing that i am very proud of is the fact that lately i am starting to do these things for myself, the focus has shifted from making someone else happy to finding a little warm place in the sun where i can just stretch out and be a little more of what there is behind the veil of a person i have been pretending to be.
there is nothing wrong with pretending for a while, if we have to do this to survive. i would have to guess one just needs to know when the time has come to lift the veil so that we won’t find ourselves lost in an act that just is to hard to turn back on.

i am guessing  that my time has come.
to keep looking back is going to make going forward a lot harder.
even if the sun is in your eyes, it will eventually be above you in the perfect place, merely shining down on you.
for now it might be good to squint a little, to walk straight into it, leaving the shadows behind.

the best part of this is that the sun comes out everyday and that it is never to late for any endomorph to start crawling, walking, running.
we are all champions to ourselves and being our own super-hero might just be the best rescuing act of our lives.

good luck .
to all
and
good luck … to me.

“finding neverland”

it has been quite some time since i have made an entry on this blog.
the reason for this is that i have fallen off the fitness wagon, the spinning cycle and the treadmill.
there was only shame.

as the months passed i regressed into gaining back most of the weight i lost and went from 94kg’s to a staggering 101.2 kg’s.
i became distressed, and angry with myself.
the punchline came when christmas came around. i tried hard to find the perfect gifts for the people i loved, especially for the guy in
my life.
i was childlike in my excitement when christmas morning finally came around as one would be when it is your only day off during the year.
when it came round to my turn to open gifts, my partner had wrapped a “fitbit” scale for me.
my world dissolved in an instant, all joy left my body and my hart shrank into a place that i have not yet managed to go and look for it again.
it was like opening pandora’s box. it swallowed everything around me, i spent nights and days on my own feeling hurt, alone and depressed.
i cried for weeks before i finally managed to open the box.
there was no support in this gesture but the obvious was being pointed out to me .
without any subtlety i was being notified that my body was
as repulsive to the person i was with as probably i felt it was to myself.

still nothing changed i was left paralysed as if someone had taken all the things that made my life special and put it through the shredder.
in my naivety i always imagined love to be enough, that no matter what stages of bodyweight, health or wealth a person went through love would be unconditional, it would matter as it has never mattered to me.
i was wrong, love is not enough. it has labels like everything else in this frivolous world where people judge critically by social standing, physical conditioning, wealth and influence.
i was a hopeless romantic, all of a sudden i was just hopeless.

as all tsunamis go the wave of destruction gathered force and swept it’s devastating carnage through all the corners of my life.
i found that on social networks his friends were all toned, muscular men, i was nothing like them.
i have spent my life caring for people with my heart and all of a sudden i could no longer find the reason to caring anymore.
paranoia ensued, followed by doubt and fear.
his actions were without regret, there was no remorse in the conflict that came from them, he shrugged away the pain that it caused me on a daily basis.

somehow i have managed to find a piece of myself lying amongst the rubble that was once a life i imagined perfect. i picked them up quietly and studied them as if seeing them for the first time.
there was still a little glow of light dimly reflecting of the surface, barely warm to the touch.
i hoped it would be enough to keep going. i hoped it would be enough to not walk down the road and never look back.
so i carefully placed the pieces in the hollow space that once held and exuberant light.
they were mere embers that i prayed would warm the icy landscape around them even if just a little.
i was a peter pan without fairy dust, i was the lion who lost his main, i was a land without a sun.

i finally managed to dust off my physical body, reboot my mind and find my way back to the gym.
it has been three weeks now, i have not missed a single session, i have starved myself from eating anything more than a single hand full of food everyday. i have lost the 10 kg’s and am now back at 94kg’s.
once again i am back at the beginning.
this beginning i hope will make me acceptable in they eyes of the world, this beginning i hope will make someone love me, if not for who i am then at least for what i am.

i hope too that anyone out there who loves with there heart may not have it so brutally stolen away.
i pray that you will be loved as you are without condition.
if you too must start again be gentle with the light inside of you, there is nothing so hard as to live with only a little of something that was once a lot of everything you knew.

from the endomorph:

“The Brutal Kindness of Strangers”

tumblr_me2n5fNeTV1qf8mc7o1_500

from the Endomorph …

Remarkably, I haven’t quit, in fact I just got back from gym ! (#goldstar)
Sundays have become one of my  days to go to gym, it real quiet and for an hour I have the floor almost to myself and thats great if you want to try out a new workout and still feel a little clumsy !
The Truth … my weight hasn’t changed that much since my last update …
The Truth … I have lost body fat and my jumpers don’t look like I am trying to find a substitute for spandex anymore!
The Truth … I would have loved the scale to say :”wow your awesome you lost pounds” but scales don’t talk they just point and point out!!
The Truth … About a week ago I burst out crying because it felt like someone had used formaldehyde on my body and I was doomed to stay the same forever !! … and then a stranger told me to pull myself towards myself and that I didn’t get fat overnight and wouldn’t get thin overnight either … brutally honest opinions from strangers can piss you off enough to keep going!
The Dare … I have promised myself that over the next two weeks I will post a report with photo’s of a much slimmer me.
I have started to really focus on what I eat with much greater clarity than before, instead of starving myself I am eating small amounts on a regular basis. I have also started taking more time to prepare food in advance instead of trying to find something adequate at a moments notice … it doesn’t work.

“a little confession”…
“forgive me Father – for I wanted to commit the sin of desperation cheating”
(enter the Endomorph)
so here goes, don’t judge me too harshly ,but …
patience has never been one of my greatest virtues and this week I sneaked down to the pharmacy to beg for some miracle pill that will take the hunger away, or kill it completely (lowering head in shame)
(enter the girl behind the counter)
“thats fine” she said, “but just let me read you a little something on the leaflet here before you start swallowing”,and she started pausing between facts with a raised eyebrow.
“Side effects !”
“May cause renal failure” (raised eyebrow)
“May cause sever dizziness and heart palpitations (raised eyebrow)
“May cause shortness of breath (eyebrow still raised )
“May cause neurological damage “(still raised)
“May cause sleeplessness and agitation “(still raised)

“So”  she said, “Whats wrong with you, I thought you wanted to be healthy and in shape and be proud of your body, ain’t no one proud when they pissing themselves and cranky !!”
“Your legs working”, she asked
“Yes mam “, I said…
“Your arms working”, she asked
“Yes mam” I said ….
“Well you ain’t gonna be needing any shit like this then!” she said
“Yes mam” I said …
I left without a quick solution and I went to gym completing my program for the day feeling grateful that in a world where we seldom meet someone who cares enough what they leave us with, someone gave a damn!
And since I have to healthy arms and legs and a (relatively) good heart, I have no right to destroy or be ungrateful for the gifts I do have.
I went for a walk this week along the beach and thought how lucky I was to walk down the beach, a healthy guy who just needed to show his belly who was boss.

I also have a new friend … those are as hard to come by as flat stomachs !

from Men’s Fitness.com

from the Endomorph:
great article for the impatient, the overcharged and the undercharged from www.mensfitness.com
10 Reasons You’re Not Building Muscle

Building muscle and packing on the pounds isn’t just about “picking things up and putting them down.” What’s holding you back?

Building muscle and packing on the pounds isn’t just about “picking things up and putting them down.” What’s holding you back?

Jon-Erik Kawamoto, M.Sc.Kin.(c), C.S.C.S., C.E.P.
Flexing muscles

Packing on muscle is no easy feat regardless of whether you’re a string bean or a husky guy. And why you’re missing out on gains is typically caused by a number of reasons that can be easily avoided. So if you’re frustrated about being stuck in the place and at the same weight, it’s time to assess what you’re doing and make a change.

1. YOU’RE IMPATIENT

If you’re a true beginner, the first phase of your training program results in changes that you can’t see – typically, your coordination improves with each exercise and the amount of co-contraction between muscles decreases. Your brain gets better at communicating with your muscles and can actually activate a higher percentage of your muscle fibers, commonly referred to as neuromuscular efficiency. Don’t look in the mirror after two weeks and wonder why you’re not getting bigger. Be patient and put in the work, the results will come.

2. YOU DON’T KEEP TRACK

Training logs are just as important as the program. How are you supposed to know what to do today or what you did last week without keeping track of it? To maximize muscle hypertrophy, keep track of all your workouts, weight used, repetitions performed, the tempo of the exercise and the breaks between sets. Keeping a training log will allow you to track your progress and your energy levels. Logs are also a great way to look back to see how (hopefully not) you got injured or over-trained.

3. YOU’VE GOT NO STRUCTURE

Remove the randomness from your workouts and stick to a plan. This is the best way to improve strength and increase muscle size. Random training might make you strong (for a beginner), but it’s inferior to a planned periodized training program. A linear periodized plan can look like this: week 1: 3×12-15; week 2: 3×10-12; and week 3: 3×8-10. A non-periodized plan can look like this: weeks 1-3: 1st set 10-12 reps; 2nd set 6-8 reps, 3rd set 3-5 reps. Pick a plan and stick to it for maximum gains.

4. YOU’RE DOING TOO MUCH CARDIO

If your goals are size and strength, cardio workouts should not dominate your program. HIIT workouts and easy cardio sessions can be slotted into your program, but your 1st priority is getting in the 3-4 weight training days. If you can recover well between workouts, feel free to add in a cardio session here or there, but not at the expense of your recovery.

5. YOU’RE A HEADCASE

Having too much negative stress in your life can wreck havoc on your body’s chemistry and your overall health. It’s easier said than done, but you need to chill out man. Find a job you enjoy and a non-drama-filled girlfriend. Eat fresh whole foods and drink plenty of water. Try to get 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night. Learn how to meditate. The lower the stress, the better you recover. The better you recover, the better your progress. Make it happen.

10 Reasons You’re Not Building Muscle

Building muscle and packing on the pounds isn’t just about “picking things up and putting them down.” What’s holding you back?

Jon-Erik Kawamoto, M.Sc.Kin.(c), C.S.C.S., C.E.P.

Arm Muscles

6. YOU’RE EATING LIKE A BIRD

To put on size, you can’t eat salads all day. You need to have a slight calorie surplus to support muscle growth. This includes all energy expended from physical activity and internal processes. As mentioned earlier, eat whole fresh foods. Put time into planning your meals so you don’t have to resort to eating junk. Avoid sugary drinks and all fast food. Try to eat organic meats and drink organic milk. Eat healthy fats such as avocados and coconut oil. If you’re inclined, diets such as the “Paleo Diet” or “Perfect Health Diet” work really well for putting on size while staying lean. Ensure your growing body receives the nutrients and building blocks it needs and remember that eating junk equals junk results.

7. YOU CHEAT YOUR REPS

Half or quarter reps are commonly seen in the gym. Don’t be that guy. Half reps are going to get you half-assed results. Learn how to perform the full range of motion for each exercise. Leave your ego at the door because the weight you’ll use will be less. In the long run, you’ll maximize your gains when progressing full range of motion exercises with lighter weights than you would when using heavy weights for half reps. Half and quarter reps have their place though – they are great when used as assistance exercises to the main lifts, but only when the main lifts can be performed with full range of motion.

8. YOU’RE AFRAID OF COMPOUND MOVEMENTS

Curls, front raises, lateral raises, and calf raises are all good exercises but are normally performed at the wrong time. Focus on big compound lifts at the beginning of your workouts while you’re fresh and not fatigued. Exercises such as deadlifts, squats, cleans, presses and/or pulls should make up the first half of your workout. Save the isolation exercises for the last half.

9. YOU’RE A GYM ADDICT

Spending hours in the gym isn’t going to do you any favors. Related to the “you need to chill out” tip, doing too much in the gym will result in a tougher time recovering between workouts while adding to your already high levels of stress. Beginners can get plenty of work in a 45-min to 60-min workout, if the proper breaks are taken between sets and if they’re not checking their Facebook. Too many sets and hours in the gym can result in diminishing returns. Go to the gym, get focused, do the work and go home.

10. YOU’RE AVOIDING DROP-SETS

Drop-sets involve sub-maximal weights performed to failure over several mini-sets. Arnold referred to this type of training as training for “the pump.” For example, grab a weight you can curl for 8-10 reps. Following that set, grab another pair of dumbbells 10lbs lighter and immediately perform reps to failure. Perform this drop for one more set. Take a minute break and do it again. Constant muscle tension created with these 3 mini-sets induces hypertrophic mechanisms within the muscle. Add in drop-sets to your isolation exercises to maximize your gains in size.