to “worth” it, or to “worth” it not !

from the endomorph:

it’s pouring in cape-town.
the rain is coming down with the kind of effort that i have been trying to achieve at gym.
it’s only 3.36 in the afternoon but the charcoal grey of the sky has kissed the day with darkness.
the wind outside cutting from all sides.
even though it’s gloomy and cold with that real “twilight” glampire’s gonna jump you at any moment feel,
i am feeling kind of chipper and toasty inside, though even typing is a sore story as my arms are completely fatigued after today’s workout.

who am i to say what is “worth” it and what is not?
“worth” is something that only becomes sensible when an individual attributes value to the factor.
i am not able to tell you if pushing yourself in the gym will be “worth” it to you or anyone else for that matter.
i have only recently been able to attribute “worth” to gym-ing myself.
this may be because in general i felt completely “worthless” as a person.
no, not because i was severely overweight, that was merely the product of my emotional state.
i felt worthless because i stopped attributing “worth” to myself in comparison to others.
that was the nr.1 probable cause to a lot of my thinking, attitude and behaviour towards food, excersize, business and individual creativity.
i have had this illness since childhood.
roots so deep you need a forklift to just get through the first 100 layers of dirt.
so whats the endomorphic point to the babble ….
well just this, even though it is a pain in the ass and most of the rest of my body to keep on going, i have made the smallest connection to a very disconnected relationship with my body.
discomforting as it may sound to the sane of mind, … stretching your muscles to a place where you have never ventured to take your body, muscles or mind before, awakens a link between the physical and spiritual bodies.
it is as if small electrical currents are being blasted between the two whilst experiencing pain or extreme physical effort.
sounds very S&M i know, but for myself personally i cannot imagine separating the two whilst at gym.
for fek sakes it sounds all very fungi … but ja … it really is a reality shock.
as numb as i have felt as a living humanoid amoeba over the past year, so detached from my body that it was as if i was in a permanent state of astral projection, so connected i feel when i am aching like crap after gym.
so for me, i attribute “worth” to gym because one is forced to count on yourself for a result.
i have been forced into connecting with my physical body, drawing from the mental and spiritual at the same time, some days just to make it through the door.
i would not have been able to persist if i could not attribute any “worth” to the experience.
i don’t think it’s worth it to do anything if one is not able to attribute “worth” to the action as the reaction will be “worthless” and i would dare to say even damaging in the end.

for anyone who ever reads my babble please know that this is not a blog about trying to convince anyone that going to gym will save you from anything in particular, or that it is life changing or even that you need to ever go at all !
this is a blog about changing a life, using gym as the only thing i could think of at the time.
and it is also a way to tell myself the things many a lost friend had spent countless breaths trying to tell me before.
sometimes when we say it to ourselves, only then do we start listening and paying attention.

if it is skydiving that works for you or swimming naked in the arctic, then may all the gods poor their blessings on you, as long as you know that it is better to try something than it is to give up on everything.
i would love to say happiness can be found watching porn and jerking all day, but it seems like sometimes you need to get out there in the real world and kick the bastard in the face.

good luck to you …
and
good luck to me!

IMG_4960 IMG_4965 IMG_4964 latest pics taken at gym on the 3d july – tights and orange shoes …. now that takes a real man #LOL
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the sunshine state of mind

from the endomorph:

keeping up a strict routine at gym is about as hard as walking on eggs …
no one will ever be able to tell me any different.
even on days i absolutely love going, the mission of going home, getting dressed and going back out can be an obstacle, especially when it is that cold outside and for some reason you seem to own a lot more gym shorts than sweat pants.
yet i have managed to bite down on the complaints and stepped up to stepping out.

i have dropped two pants sizes and lost about 15kg now with 20%BF – thats body fat … not boyfriend … as i am not sure
how one accurately measures that.
all of a sudden people here and there are saying … oh my you’ve lost weight … thank God … means it’s working i guess.
but oh the little sins in the kitchen … i am still battling with those a bit.
i can kill off a block of cheese faster than a possessed mouse of steroids.
and the late night craving for sommit sweet, why always at 11pm ??
i think there is an invisible fairy in my house that comes out at night sprinkling sweet fairy dust all over my senses.
how stupid we are to tell ourselves it’s ok to cheat a little here and there because tomorrow we will be back at gym working up a sweat and working out the chocolate of the night before.

this is just another vicious cycle that i like to create for myself.
investing in something that is hard work to obtain something that i really want without the effort of sticking to the rules.
a good body starts when you are not at gym …. thats what “they” all say.
and i know in my deepest lindt chocolate tormented heart that it is the truth.
it probably also isn’t as hard as the walk from my car in em shorties through the wind and rain to the very confusing revolving door of my gym.
(i always seem to make it stop when i am on the inside momentarily turning me into living art – tis the blond of my nature)

how to break the cycle … i don’t know yet … and will keep you up to date if i find something that works, a method or a spell.
perhaps it will just be admitting to myself that it is pointless to do one and not the other, perhaps i will acknowledge that now is probably the time to start, to try even a little harder than i have done before.
that saying no is not as much effort as an hour on the treadmill, and that an hour on the treadmill will be better spent loosing another kg than keeping off on that may have been gained the night before.

i would like to loose another 10kg’s before the summer. i have about 3 months to achieve this goal and the one thing i am very proud of is the fact that i still have a goal.
the other thing that i am very proud of is the fact that lately i am starting to do these things for myself, the focus has shifted from making someone else happy to finding a little warm place in the sun where i can just stretch out and be a little more of what there is behind the veil of a person i have been pretending to be.
there is nothing wrong with pretending for a while, if we have to do this to survive. i would have to guess one just needs to know when the time has come to lift the veil so that we won’t find ourselves lost in an act that just is to hard to turn back on.

i am guessing  that my time has come.
to keep looking back is going to make going forward a lot harder.
even if the sun is in your eyes, it will eventually be above you in the perfect place, merely shining down on you.
for now it might be good to squint a little, to walk straight into it, leaving the shadows behind.

the best part of this is that the sun comes out everyday and that it is never to late for any endomorph to start crawling, walking, running.
we are all champions to ourselves and being our own super-hero might just be the best rescuing act of our lives.

good luck .
to all
and
good luck … to me.

From the Endomorph:

I guess it’s time to do a little pictorial update again.
It feels as if I have been training for a millennium and every now and then I get heated under the collar that I don’t look like
a Andrew Christian underwear model yet!!
Actually I haven’t been training … properly… for very long at all and the new pics I took at gym 2 days ago gives me a little hope again and a little renewed inspiration.
I find that self pics are a better reflection of progress than the scale (personal opinion only – motivation should be inspired by whichever means work best for you) and have stopped weighing myself completely. The reason I stopped doing this was that it made me feel frustrated and anxious not to see the pounds dropping off each time I got on the scale.
I now take a visual weight measurement which makes me feel more secure in my progress.
I try to do the pics in the same size of shirt as I started out with – of the same brand.
Besides the pics I can also feel the difference in my everyday attire, and ease of movement.
I would still like to look like an Andrew Christian underwear model though – lol – and since I have given up trying the 12 week miracle transformation routines and have started focusing a little more on the step by step, one day at a time kind of routines, I have taken a breath – enjoyed some awesome sessions and some pretty good results.
The proof is in the pudding not being quite as wobbly as before and thats proof enough for me.
I should have probably done the whole holding up a newspaper thing, but it’s been tough enough going to gym in a pair of bike shorts without the added embarrassment of holding up a newspaper haha !
That along with the fact that I am not selling a 12 week  solution means I’ll just keep posting until I think it’s enough of the raggedy pics and have promised myself that I will put a picture of myself in a pair of skimpy briefs in another 6 months – win or fail …. just to keep me on track , I promise to post it with a warning beforehand so no one will loose their lunch involuntarily, and if it’s hot the world can just kiss my Endo-ass !
Here’s to hoping !

“spin me thin”

From the Endomorph:

photo(53)

Read it and weep … I am still going to gym …
The last pics I took all cam out a little blurry, think there might have been a few drops of sweat on the lens.
Anyway, I have been keeping (mostly) to my program and a couple of weeks ago, I started to get fed up with the same treadmill marathon that I had been in each day and decided to get on a bike ….
I hated it that first day, it was hell!!
As most chance meetings go, you may not quite be into the nose of the person that is sitting opposite you, or they may be brunette when you really only like blonds etc, but then after the second or third meeting you start having conversations with that person in your head, and start wondering what they would think of something you like and secretly you start hoping that they would like it too even thought they don’t have a nose like a button or dared to be brunette when you like blond.
Well that was my meeting with the stationary bike and cycling – a bicycle that you pedal and doesn’t move. A bicycle that makes you sweat harder than the poor sods that slapped together the pyramids of Giza and has you so aware of your out of shape, knee hitting stomach that you are tempted to un-saddle and commit Hari-Kiri right there by shoving a protein bar in your eye.
Still the oddest thing happened … I fell hopelessly in love with this no-wheeled machine of torture!
I can’t wait till it’s (what I now call it at home) #Spinning Time !!
I am currently on an hour per session and own a pair of red inner bicycle pants ! (Real men wear spandex you judgemental bastards)
Fine only ever wear bicycle shorts out in public if you are actually intending to get on some sort of bicycle within 30min of putting them on, otherwise it really is quite weird, verging on creepy and plain wrong.
Still, the are great if you have a bony ass and your gonna sit pedalling for an hour straight! Saves you from looking like you have Elephantitis in your balls the following day !
And my legs… Lord I got me some pretty man-sticks all of a sudden !!

I started using HIIT in combination with my workout and it definitely helps  to target that stubborn “endomorph” belly fat –
I think I actually look a little odd at the moment, my stomach is a lot smaller and even my “moons” a little but now I seem sort of awkwardly built and even more out of proportion than before!
I really hop that this is not a permanent and lasting shape but one that will even out eventually- please God !
Otherwise I will be known as the guy with the hot legs and great boobs – only funny when your talking about someone other than yourself.

Why I choose to rant about #Spinning, is just this … it is something that has grabbed my attention, has me going back for more, has me thinking about it when we’re apart and makes me abundantly  happy !!
#Spinning is my #gymcrack !
Everyone needs #gymcrack it’s a means to keep going, whether its overtraining your biceps so you look like the hulk, or doing slits in yoga, but find a little ray of happiness, a spot of sunshine to bask inn.
It just makes everything a little easier.
And if you are a big bear of an “endomorph” having a sleigh to pull you over the ice is just simply as brilliant as seeing a polar bear on a sleigh.

“The Brutal Kindness of Strangers”

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from the Endomorph …

Remarkably, I haven’t quit, in fact I just got back from gym ! (#goldstar)
Sundays have become one of my  days to go to gym, it real quiet and for an hour I have the floor almost to myself and thats great if you want to try out a new workout and still feel a little clumsy !
The Truth … my weight hasn’t changed that much since my last update …
The Truth … I have lost body fat and my jumpers don’t look like I am trying to find a substitute for spandex anymore!
The Truth … I would have loved the scale to say :”wow your awesome you lost pounds” but scales don’t talk they just point and point out!!
The Truth … About a week ago I burst out crying because it felt like someone had used formaldehyde on my body and I was doomed to stay the same forever !! … and then a stranger told me to pull myself towards myself and that I didn’t get fat overnight and wouldn’t get thin overnight either … brutally honest opinions from strangers can piss you off enough to keep going!
The Dare … I have promised myself that over the next two weeks I will post a report with photo’s of a much slimmer me.
I have started to really focus on what I eat with much greater clarity than before, instead of starving myself I am eating small amounts on a regular basis. I have also started taking more time to prepare food in advance instead of trying to find something adequate at a moments notice … it doesn’t work.

“a little confession”…
“forgive me Father – for I wanted to commit the sin of desperation cheating”
(enter the Endomorph)
so here goes, don’t judge me too harshly ,but …
patience has never been one of my greatest virtues and this week I sneaked down to the pharmacy to beg for some miracle pill that will take the hunger away, or kill it completely (lowering head in shame)
(enter the girl behind the counter)
“thats fine” she said, “but just let me read you a little something on the leaflet here before you start swallowing”,and she started pausing between facts with a raised eyebrow.
“Side effects !”
“May cause renal failure” (raised eyebrow)
“May cause sever dizziness and heart palpitations (raised eyebrow)
“May cause shortness of breath (eyebrow still raised )
“May cause neurological damage “(still raised)
“May cause sleeplessness and agitation “(still raised)

“So”  she said, “Whats wrong with you, I thought you wanted to be healthy and in shape and be proud of your body, ain’t no one proud when they pissing themselves and cranky !!”
“Your legs working”, she asked
“Yes mam “, I said…
“Your arms working”, she asked
“Yes mam” I said ….
“Well you ain’t gonna be needing any shit like this then!” she said
“Yes mam” I said …
I left without a quick solution and I went to gym completing my program for the day feeling grateful that in a world where we seldom meet someone who cares enough what they leave us with, someone gave a damn!
And since I have to healthy arms and legs and a (relatively) good heart, I have no right to destroy or be ungrateful for the gifts I do have.
I went for a walk this week along the beach and thought how lucky I was to walk down the beach, a healthy guy who just needed to show his belly who was boss.

I also have a new friend … those are as hard to come by as flat stomachs !

“The dark stare of the gym-gods”


from the Endomorph:
Nothing is more sad than weighing inn after a month and finding your weight is exactly, I mean to the decimal of where it was before.
It feels as if someone has stuck a hypodermic needle in my stomach and filled it with formaldehyde !
It also feels as if the gym gods have turned their backs on me and have dropped me in some kind of sick state of suspended animation.
I have not lost a single ounce of weight over the past month.
I have cut out sugars,
milk,
bread,
cheese,
fries,
SODA,
and still …. nothing ??
It’s almost heartbreaking to me, even if I weighed in at 2kg’s lighter, I would have been less disheartened !
What now,
do I simply stop all of this, except my fate and walk away !!
I have done that my entire life …. accepted things and walked away.
I accepted abuse as a young adult and lived with it for 10 years before I finally did something about it.
I have walked away from opportunities than I can count because I had no faith in myself or the world around me.
I have given up on so many things and so many people in my life that it can easily said that I have given up on myself.

In the instance where a parent turns away from us, or a spouse severely abuses us, perhaps we can place the blame for a very short time in the hands of another.
However when we just give over to the “FEELING” of defeat and walk away from opportunity because we are not looking for another way to achieve out goals, then there is no where to put the blame but in our own hands.
I don’t want to walk away from something I believe in for once just because it hasn’t turned out exactly the way I intended for it to do.
The condition that my body is currently in is the result of lifestyle choices I have made over the past couple of years, something I did to myself.
I should know better than most that abuse inflicted on the human body cannot be undone in the single space of a month where the neglect suffered continued for such an extensive period of time.
I didn’t look after my diet for at least 36 months.
I ate without consequence and drank about 8 litres of “Coke Zero” on an average day.
I poisoned myself, and now…. I am angry about it, and don’t get why the weight is not just melting away like ice.
I have little option but to seek penance in the eyes of the “gym-gods” and hope at some point of time perseverance and dedication will pay off.
I am not going to just give up so easily this time.
Walking away from fitness means turning my back on myself, on hope for myself and most likely a better life.

“Blood, sweat and tears”

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from the Endomorph :
the replay …

If this were a journal I think it would have to read something like this:

May 14th 2013

Traffic, strikes and a country in turmoil .
Chaos has followed me around the entire week , robbing me of my spare time, trapping me in a situation that I cannot change as
an individual, leaving me frustrated and angry!
I am not alone, I share this frustration with thousands of others.
Again in an already failing economy our entire public transportation system has been sabotaged by nationwide strikes.
Thousands of people are left stranded and battle to find their way to work and back home again.
The roads are flooded with cars and jammed from one end to the other.
A 30 min journey is taking 2 hours to complete, sometimes more.
Our governments sits back, takes little notice of the man trying to put food on his table, why should they, when they have been put there
to govern without cause.
It’s known that they are escorted during their travels with brigades of armoured cars flashing blue lights so that all must stand aside and let them pass.
Not so easy for the rest of us.
South-Africa is infected with corruption, a disease spreading so deep into her core that I doubt if she will ever be cured again.
South-Africa is dying.
Even the beautiful die. A beautiful country has collapsed, left alone to die, with no one to care for her in the last years of her life.
Most of us don’t know how, we’re not qualified.
The ones who are  qualified steal her last riches while she is down and use her weakness against her. It’s the perfect time,
the world is too busy to care. Too many countries are ill with the same infection. And unfortunately for us South-Africa does not belong to the debutantes of Europe.
She is left, no one noticing as she comes crashing down the flight of stairs. The pretty girls from the right side of the tracks steal the show, no one will help her up, eventually it will be too late.
People who no longer live here make documentaries of what a miracle the transition was. How amazing it was to see a country change it’s values. They ran from the transition though, they do not suffer with the rest of us, there is no miracle in corruption.
There is no democracy if the only change is changing the victim.
There is no democracy if the initial victim has never been healed.
There is no democracy if hate has just changed colour.
The miracle most of us wanted was just a magic trick, flawlessly executed, fooling us into believing we will become strong together, when the plan was to separate us even more.
The smart ones saw it coming and left quickly, before the world closed their doors to us.
The rest of us are sitting in traffic, wondering when the price of fuel will increase again, and how our president will spend foreign aid on his family home instead of the desperately hungry and homeless.
Then again we won’t know, because after the great “miracle” the #SECRECY ACT of South Africa prevents us talking about it.
Our leaders have convinced the world that they are now looking after their own, that we are singing and dancing hand in hand in the street, the rest is a secret to everyone.
My friend from Zimbabwe tells me their country had caught the same kind of flu many years ago for which there was no cure until the day of her death.
Make a documentary about that miss Theron and Bishop Tutu.
Tell the world how we have come together as a nation, together in our equal neglect, our equal desperation, our equal devastation.
Tell them from your home in Miami and your lounge on the hill.
Another magic trick! Forget to interview the man and woman living in an informal settlement, still living there since the “miracle”,
still without running water, still without a toilet , still without a school, a doctor or bed.
Show me the miracle of this while we are standing in a road lined with homes made from garbage and scrap, and I will show you
a magic trick too…
but this is not a journal, this is a blog about fitness, so whats my point.
Point is … fuckers robbed me of my gym time and it was virtually impossible to get to do something that ads meaning to my life because of the ripple effect caused by my current every day situation.

fast forward …

I get that all the “super-hero’s” say fitness is the mentality to create time to accommodate a dedicated lifestyle.
I failed terribly at this, I could barley manage to accommodate brushing my teeth never mind my fitness routine.
They never tell you what to do when that happens in the “body for life” and “super abs in 60 second” books.
I was going strong, and then I just couldn’t get to gym.
Did I gain a pound. Perhaps I did.
Did I suffer the wrath of the gym gods, n0 I didn’t !
Things happen to normal people.
The blood, sweat and tears we spend just getting through the average day is enough to show us that we are not quitters!
We are already dedicated to the impossible, SURVIVAL!
So I have to go to gym on a Sunday to catch up, same as working late to catch up.
So I lost a day or two and ate inconsistently, but those were the circumstances, and that was the best I managed to do.
The one thing I have learned from excepting a glitch here and there is that it is easier to get back into balance as soon as things even out a bit.
When the ocean is rough you can’t fish.
When life is rough you can’t always get to gym.
Try and restore the balance (***note to self) first by calming yourself down,
this will have better results when your working out anyway!
However fess up and grow a pair, don’t just walk away forever, a few days or a week is not forever!
As “Dori” says in #Finding Nemo “JUST KEEP SWIMMING!”
There is a truth to gym, and life and dieting that we should never forget,
“FALL DOWN 7 TIMES, GET UP 8!! “,
Sorry it’s not the secret to getting abs in 60 seconds that I just dedicated to myself more than any one else here, but perhaps I have talked myself into getting my ass back on the treadmill today and getting back to beating that unsightly bulge that makes flying coach even more terrible than …. well flying coach !

“Just keep swimming dudes!”