to “worth” it, or to “worth” it not !

from the endomorph:

it’s pouring in cape-town.
the rain is coming down with the kind of effort that i have been trying to achieve at gym.
it’s only 3.36 in the afternoon but the charcoal grey of the sky has kissed the day with darkness.
the wind outside cutting from all sides.
even though it’s gloomy and cold with that real “twilight” glampire’s gonna jump you at any moment feel,
i am feeling kind of chipper and toasty inside, though even typing is a sore story as my arms are completely fatigued after today’s workout.

who am i to say what is “worth” it and what is not?
“worth” is something that only becomes sensible when an individual attributes value to the factor.
i am not able to tell you if pushing yourself in the gym will be “worth” it to you or anyone else for that matter.
i have only recently been able to attribute “worth” to gym-ing myself.
this may be because in general i felt completely “worthless” as a person.
no, not because i was severely overweight, that was merely the product of my emotional state.
i felt worthless because i stopped attributing “worth” to myself in comparison to others.
that was the nr.1 probable cause to a lot of my thinking, attitude and behaviour towards food, excersize, business and individual creativity.
i have had this illness since childhood.
roots so deep you need a forklift to just get through the first 100 layers of dirt.
so whats the endomorphic point to the babble ….
well just this, even though it is a pain in the ass and most of the rest of my body to keep on going, i have made the smallest connection to a very disconnected relationship with my body.
discomforting as it may sound to the sane of mind, … stretching your muscles to a place where you have never ventured to take your body, muscles or mind before, awakens a link between the physical and spiritual bodies.
it is as if small electrical currents are being blasted between the two whilst experiencing pain or extreme physical effort.
sounds very S&M i know, but for myself personally i cannot imagine separating the two whilst at gym.
for fek sakes it sounds all very fungi … but ja … it really is a reality shock.
as numb as i have felt as a living humanoid amoeba over the past year, so detached from my body that it was as if i was in a permanent state of astral projection, so connected i feel when i am aching like crap after gym.
so for me, i attribute “worth” to gym because one is forced to count on yourself for a result.
i have been forced into connecting with my physical body, drawing from the mental and spiritual at the same time, some days just to make it through the door.
i would not have been able to persist if i could not attribute any “worth” to the experience.
i don’t think it’s worth it to do anything if one is not able to attribute “worth” to the action as the reaction will be “worthless” and i would dare to say even damaging in the end.

for anyone who ever reads my babble please know that this is not a blog about trying to convince anyone that going to gym will save you from anything in particular, or that it is life changing or even that you need to ever go at all !
this is a blog about changing a life, using gym as the only thing i could think of at the time.
and it is also a way to tell myself the things many a lost friend had spent countless breaths trying to tell me before.
sometimes when we say it to ourselves, only then do we start listening and paying attention.

if it is skydiving that works for you or swimming naked in the arctic, then may all the gods poor their blessings on you, as long as you know that it is better to try something than it is to give up on everything.
i would love to say happiness can be found watching porn and jerking all day, but it seems like sometimes you need to get out there in the real world and kick the bastard in the face.

good luck to you …
and
good luck to me!

IMG_4960 IMG_4965 IMG_4964 latest pics taken at gym on the 3d july – tights and orange shoes …. now that takes a real man #LOL
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Rhino’s Rest

from the endomorph:

winter has come to cape-town as quickly as the year has come to the end of it’s 5th month.
i am definitely not the best blogger in the universe, but sometimes it is better to say something worth saying than just saying anything at all.
where my updates as a blogger has lagged, i have gained memento at gym … i.o.w i am still going with the frequency one would expect from a naggy  whiney “endomorphic” blogger.

i have cardio’ed and weighted at 5am in the morning if i could not go in the afternoons, taken on the cold and dark of winter like a herculean champion.
with results i might add!
i have halved my body fat, managed to waste 15kg thus far and best of all … managed to deflate my little puffer fish face in to a mor recognisable form.
i have gathered from friends that it now looks less like i may be in need of a training bra to keep my moons from jiggling !
oh the boobie battle !!
i am sure any girl half my age would kill for a set like mine, but i personally could do without the garbo cleavage.

even though i have had to dig old jeans out of the “never to be forgotten” part of my closet and have had an awesome plumbers crack in some of my newer pairs, i must admit to still having a little “sumo” going on around the waist and moob area.
somewhere between 33 & 35 my body seems to have lost the ability to burn off that sexy kangaroo pouch in the front.
it looks like i have been coupon hoarding around my stomach for the last 5 years and now my endomorphic body is slightly less willing to clear out the basement of stacked shelves just in case we need to go into hiding for armageddon.
sadly there is no quick cure for a flabby abbies,
let me narrow down your searches and save you millions in miracle cures …
for endomorphic midriff destruction – 1mm at a time – you will have to do a combination of hi intensity cardio in combination with weight training and erm… intermittent starvation … kill me now for saying that … seems it really is true … not eating sporadically for about 12 hours seems to really work (should you also be crazzzzzy enough t0 do this for a month or a couple of weeks please have at least to meal replacement shakes somewhere throughout the day. this will prevent fainting, fatigue and most likely violence directed toward others)

the other horror to loosing a fat belly may be hidden in the most dreaded of all workouts … “legday”.
“legday” will not only tighten your tusch,  it will also flatten your flab.
exercising legs will get to your core, one notices this quite easily just by the amount you sweat, it’s like being glued on a stationary bike from hell.
but … for me … it works !
i call “legday” the gym’s condom … kills the sexy … proves effective!

besides hopefully when we get all ripped and toned one day we will hopefully have the legs to match our biceps so that we may be able to avoid looking like someone has gone to sit on the edge of a cheap inflatable pool .
i am not a big legs man, for me it’s all in the arms but nothing kills a stiffie like spotting a hottie that’s all muscly on top, veiny and buff, and then you glance downward and he has your polio cousin moira’s legs.
so many of them at my gym … so strange … it’s like building a magnificent house in the right neighbourhood and then filling the garden with tortured little gnomes.

still … i should not point a finger … since i have spent most of the past two years looking like a badly drawn boy.
what i have to show for it is endless hour spent at work, and a repertoire of endless series watched from season 1 – infinity …
i would have rather been muscly on top !

yet we are the endomorphs, powerhouses of slow determination, when we get going we ar like rhino’s
nothing can stop us from horning our way trough thorny bushes and difficult days.
we are a force unto ourselves –
we storm our victories, hit our goals with shattering force … be we pissed off enough !

this year for me so far has been strained with emotion, hard truths and inner conflict.
connecting with my body has been a fantastic challenge.
yet when all the muddy water is cleared and you can find a place to see through the surface there is a place of hope in everything.
tears will dry away.
a broken heart will mend.
and a neglected body will rebuild itself.
all these things are workouts of a different kind, but we must do the work.
none of them happen by themselves, nothing ever does, it’s the law of nature, everything needs something to grow.

this is a note to myself more than to anyone else …
but if someone else is moved by this …
then I am happy. IMG_3934 IMG_3935

“Be Breakfast Smart”

from the Endomorph:
I never used to eat anything in the morning,
in fact I used to be quite proud of the fact that I could stay without any breakfast until almost lunch time.

I thought this would also categorise me as a small eater and you should loose weight when you skip a meal like breakfast right ??…
Wrong…
Skipping breakfast is probably the worst thing an Endomorph can do!! As it is we are like bears coming out of hibernation when we first wake up, because our metabolism is so slow. It is like trying to start an oversized antique diesel engine …. and now try starting it without any fuel !
That is exactly the problem – the metabolism stays shut down when the Endomorph refrains from adding fuel to the Engine = no metabolism = no burn = no energy = no weight loss – in fact … your body might actually try and push fat into hard to reach places because it is fooled into thinking that it will need storage due to pending starvation … say hello to a beer gut even if you don’t drink and ……..MAN BOOBS (aka moobs) the breakfast deprived body of an endomorph will push fat straight into the chest, because the chest muscles are so small and the least of the bodies metabolic action is concentrated in the chest.
If you really read up on muscle function you will see that “moobs” are like two litte fat silo’s under the neck and that if you are a slow burner you gotta really work at all the areas surrounding your “moobs” to burn the fat stored.

I carry most of my fat storage on my “moobs” and stomach and strangely most research shows that HIIT cardio along with weight training is more effective at getting rid of these little body snags than any diet alone.
I have actually now been converted to believe that there is no such thing as an effective diet, I hate the word ! I believe that the best diet is, not to diet but to be “food smart” …. you need to eat to loose weight !
So since the beginning of this month I have been “breakfast smart” and it started off real rocky, shaky and bumpy !
You have to find something you like to eat in the morning …. and something you like to MAKE in the morning. Making breakfast takes time … and if your a slow morning person ya aint gonna be flipping omelettes every morning, sometimes you can just fit in a bowl of oats and a bit of fruit and that is still 1 million  times the power of #no-breakfast.
#note … main stream cereals with animations on pretty coloured fun filled boxes are no good for breakfast especially if you are trying to loose fat , they are sugary sweet fat-traps , no matter how high in fibre the tell you they are, have way too much oestrogen and preservatives … you unfortunately have to be a little more inventive – even a piece of steak and 2 egg whites make a better breakfast than a bowl of , off the shelf serial!! (unless your 13 and burning fat at the temperature of the sun)
This morning I had a owl of oats with a banana and blueberries – cooked it in 5 min ate it in 3 , still had time to shave!
Interestingly enough – if you want to know why oats are good and a slow release energy food – leave your empty bowl unwashed for a while and see how long it takes you to get it clean later … like forever – not even water softens it up , it’s like cement! Same in your stomach, slow to digest but not heavy on digestion, low in fat + high in fibre and energy ! Follow with a protein shake , no milk mix with water and you got yourself a “super smart breakfast”.
If you have time to cook a steak – thats amazing – I’ll be right over !
Alternatively boil 3 eggs the night before – peel – strip the yolk – shop a red and yellow mini pepper – and bingo another great breakfast – on my menu for tomorrow morning !
So eat up Endomorphs – eat – burn – eat – burn – workout – trim up !
If this fatty can pull it off – so can you xoxo

“The Brutal Kindness of Strangers”

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from the Endomorph …

Remarkably, I haven’t quit, in fact I just got back from gym ! (#goldstar)
Sundays have become one of my  days to go to gym, it real quiet and for an hour I have the floor almost to myself and thats great if you want to try out a new workout and still feel a little clumsy !
The Truth … my weight hasn’t changed that much since my last update …
The Truth … I have lost body fat and my jumpers don’t look like I am trying to find a substitute for spandex anymore!
The Truth … I would have loved the scale to say :”wow your awesome you lost pounds” but scales don’t talk they just point and point out!!
The Truth … About a week ago I burst out crying because it felt like someone had used formaldehyde on my body and I was doomed to stay the same forever !! … and then a stranger told me to pull myself towards myself and that I didn’t get fat overnight and wouldn’t get thin overnight either … brutally honest opinions from strangers can piss you off enough to keep going!
The Dare … I have promised myself that over the next two weeks I will post a report with photo’s of a much slimmer me.
I have started to really focus on what I eat with much greater clarity than before, instead of starving myself I am eating small amounts on a regular basis. I have also started taking more time to prepare food in advance instead of trying to find something adequate at a moments notice … it doesn’t work.

“a little confession”…
“forgive me Father – for I wanted to commit the sin of desperation cheating”
(enter the Endomorph)
so here goes, don’t judge me too harshly ,but …
patience has never been one of my greatest virtues and this week I sneaked down to the pharmacy to beg for some miracle pill that will take the hunger away, or kill it completely (lowering head in shame)
(enter the girl behind the counter)
“thats fine” she said, “but just let me read you a little something on the leaflet here before you start swallowing”,and she started pausing between facts with a raised eyebrow.
“Side effects !”
“May cause renal failure” (raised eyebrow)
“May cause sever dizziness and heart palpitations (raised eyebrow)
“May cause shortness of breath (eyebrow still raised )
“May cause neurological damage “(still raised)
“May cause sleeplessness and agitation “(still raised)

“So”  she said, “Whats wrong with you, I thought you wanted to be healthy and in shape and be proud of your body, ain’t no one proud when they pissing themselves and cranky !!”
“Your legs working”, she asked
“Yes mam “, I said…
“Your arms working”, she asked
“Yes mam” I said ….
“Well you ain’t gonna be needing any shit like this then!” she said
“Yes mam” I said …
I left without a quick solution and I went to gym completing my program for the day feeling grateful that in a world where we seldom meet someone who cares enough what they leave us with, someone gave a damn!
And since I have to healthy arms and legs and a (relatively) good heart, I have no right to destroy or be ungrateful for the gifts I do have.
I went for a walk this week along the beach and thought how lucky I was to walk down the beach, a healthy guy who just needed to show his belly who was boss.

I also have a new friend … those are as hard to come by as flat stomachs !

“Blood, sweat and tears”

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from the Endomorph :
the replay …

If this were a journal I think it would have to read something like this:

May 14th 2013

Traffic, strikes and a country in turmoil .
Chaos has followed me around the entire week , robbing me of my spare time, trapping me in a situation that I cannot change as
an individual, leaving me frustrated and angry!
I am not alone, I share this frustration with thousands of others.
Again in an already failing economy our entire public transportation system has been sabotaged by nationwide strikes.
Thousands of people are left stranded and battle to find their way to work and back home again.
The roads are flooded with cars and jammed from one end to the other.
A 30 min journey is taking 2 hours to complete, sometimes more.
Our governments sits back, takes little notice of the man trying to put food on his table, why should they, when they have been put there
to govern without cause.
It’s known that they are escorted during their travels with brigades of armoured cars flashing blue lights so that all must stand aside and let them pass.
Not so easy for the rest of us.
South-Africa is infected with corruption, a disease spreading so deep into her core that I doubt if she will ever be cured again.
South-Africa is dying.
Even the beautiful die. A beautiful country has collapsed, left alone to die, with no one to care for her in the last years of her life.
Most of us don’t know how, we’re not qualified.
The ones who are  qualified steal her last riches while she is down and use her weakness against her. It’s the perfect time,
the world is too busy to care. Too many countries are ill with the same infection. And unfortunately for us South-Africa does not belong to the debutantes of Europe.
She is left, no one noticing as she comes crashing down the flight of stairs. The pretty girls from the right side of the tracks steal the show, no one will help her up, eventually it will be too late.
People who no longer live here make documentaries of what a miracle the transition was. How amazing it was to see a country change it’s values. They ran from the transition though, they do not suffer with the rest of us, there is no miracle in corruption.
There is no democracy if the only change is changing the victim.
There is no democracy if the initial victim has never been healed.
There is no democracy if hate has just changed colour.
The miracle most of us wanted was just a magic trick, flawlessly executed, fooling us into believing we will become strong together, when the plan was to separate us even more.
The smart ones saw it coming and left quickly, before the world closed their doors to us.
The rest of us are sitting in traffic, wondering when the price of fuel will increase again, and how our president will spend foreign aid on his family home instead of the desperately hungry and homeless.
Then again we won’t know, because after the great “miracle” the #SECRECY ACT of South Africa prevents us talking about it.
Our leaders have convinced the world that they are now looking after their own, that we are singing and dancing hand in hand in the street, the rest is a secret to everyone.
My friend from Zimbabwe tells me their country had caught the same kind of flu many years ago for which there was no cure until the day of her death.
Make a documentary about that miss Theron and Bishop Tutu.
Tell the world how we have come together as a nation, together in our equal neglect, our equal desperation, our equal devastation.
Tell them from your home in Miami and your lounge on the hill.
Another magic trick! Forget to interview the man and woman living in an informal settlement, still living there since the “miracle”,
still without running water, still without a toilet , still without a school, a doctor or bed.
Show me the miracle of this while we are standing in a road lined with homes made from garbage and scrap, and I will show you
a magic trick too…
but this is not a journal, this is a blog about fitness, so whats my point.
Point is … fuckers robbed me of my gym time and it was virtually impossible to get to do something that ads meaning to my life because of the ripple effect caused by my current every day situation.

fast forward …

I get that all the “super-hero’s” say fitness is the mentality to create time to accommodate a dedicated lifestyle.
I failed terribly at this, I could barley manage to accommodate brushing my teeth never mind my fitness routine.
They never tell you what to do when that happens in the “body for life” and “super abs in 60 second” books.
I was going strong, and then I just couldn’t get to gym.
Did I gain a pound. Perhaps I did.
Did I suffer the wrath of the gym gods, n0 I didn’t !
Things happen to normal people.
The blood, sweat and tears we spend just getting through the average day is enough to show us that we are not quitters!
We are already dedicated to the impossible, SURVIVAL!
So I have to go to gym on a Sunday to catch up, same as working late to catch up.
So I lost a day or two and ate inconsistently, but those were the circumstances, and that was the best I managed to do.
The one thing I have learned from excepting a glitch here and there is that it is easier to get back into balance as soon as things even out a bit.
When the ocean is rough you can’t fish.
When life is rough you can’t always get to gym.
Try and restore the balance (***note to self) first by calming yourself down,
this will have better results when your working out anyway!
However fess up and grow a pair, don’t just walk away forever, a few days or a week is not forever!
As “Dori” says in #Finding Nemo “JUST KEEP SWIMMING!”
There is a truth to gym, and life and dieting that we should never forget,
“FALL DOWN 7 TIMES, GET UP 8!! “,
Sorry it’s not the secret to getting abs in 60 seconds that I just dedicated to myself more than any one else here, but perhaps I have talked myself into getting my ass back on the treadmill today and getting back to beating that unsightly bulge that makes flying coach even more terrible than …. well flying coach !

“Just keep swimming dudes!”

” Back to Basics ” free yourself mentally.

lucas-malvacini-by-leo-castro-0

from the “Endomorph”

Time goes quick, burning fat on the other hand not so quick.
I have two days to go before checking in for my second BMI take down.
I am hoping for a positive de4crease in my overall body fat, because I have worked really hard to maintain a 
goal orientated approach.
I read something great the other day on bodybuilding.com, that read something like this…
“you wouldn’t normally just get into a car without having a destination in mind, why then would
you go to gym without having a goal or destination in mind.”
This had a huge impact on me personally because I recognised that my goals or destination was not clearly set out for myself.
I wanted to loose weight, build muscle, diet , become strong , become fit, change my body image, change , change , change.
It was almost too much information and I was running around the gym from weights, to machines to treadmills trying to incorporate everything I have read online and in my various fitness guides and it has been a little mad and … desperate.

Desperation is a pothole …. pull yourself towards yourself , find a quiet place in your mind and focus on something specific . 
I cannot say if this changes for people who have trained for years and for “superhero’s” but I can imagine that it would be easier to break up tasks the more accomplished you are at something and that it would be easier to set numerous goals at once.
I can do this in business, because I have done it for years and can split my goals on a daily basis and mostly manage to achieve them.
In regards to fitness and gym, this “endomorph” is a newbie and had to (on a personal level for my character) regroup myself  
and re-asses the areas that I wanted to be “focus-specific” and goal orientated. 

For me this was a mentally quieter place and an easier approach to training.
I have decided to place my immediate focus on reducing the size of my stomach. Simply that.
I found that I could do this through a combination of cardio and weight training. 
And since I am not built like “The Rock”, I also found that I do not need to do 5000 different exercises to keep my not so clued up body guessing!
I just had to do learn the basic techniques first, just like a dancer needs to learn the basic footwork ! Everything in life that anyone has ever mastered started off with the basics, remember school and the ABC songs = basics!!
I am not fit, so basic cardio is a great place for me.
I am not muscular, so basic weight training is great for me. 
The advantage to getting to know the basics is that you will discover things about yourself and your body. 
For instance , I have discovered that my calves are particularly weak but I can bench press like a son-of-a-bitch. (not always bad being built like a rhino) 
I also like walking on the treadmill apposed to running which kill my ankles and this is not the end of the world since I still manage to increase my heart rate substantially by increasing the incline and speed to almost the point of a slow jog. 

The best thing about learning the basics is that you get to increase your skill . I you take the madness out of an activity it becomes calming and fun!
FUN … yep that’s right … FUN !!! 
For me a 30 min H.I walk has become fun, simply because for 30 mins I get to put a pair of headphones in my ears and I get to pretend the world around me is perfect. Even when things are too much on the outside , after 5 mins of just turning up the volume and working to feel that first blast of perspiration filled heat , I star to clear my mind of all the shit that I get to worry about later.
This has been another goal for me , to just relax for an hour a day , and if this means staying on the treadmill for an hour then thats what I do.
Goal = accomplished .

Please don’t misunderstand (*not to self more than anyone else) what I am trying to say. 
You still need to push yourself and you still need to move the goalpost a little further each time you go to gym , there is enough 
concrete evidence from fitness experts around the world that has proven this is the only way to achieve success! I am saying that for someone who has made the mental shift to get his ass out the house and to the gym for the first time or for the millionth time, don’t ruin it by going mental .
Think clearly and positively.
I also had to realise that I’ma not gonna look like “The Rock” in 12 weeks !
This is ok because I will be a more relaxed 30 something with less grey hair and a smaller stomach ! 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Bitter Chocolate”

from the “Endomorph:”

It has been exactly one month since I dragged myself out of my lazy bearish hibernation and off to the gym.
I went hoping to change my body and alter my badly overweight condition.
So today I took some new photo’s wearing exactly the same shirt in the same gym.
Thank God there has been a little shape change otherwise I would through myself from a building.
I still struggle looking at the images of myself as they seem so alien so distant from what I thought I looked like.
I still can’t help thinking , “how did that happen”, and “is that really me?”
Yet the pictures don’t lie – it really is me! (and I don’t mean it in the “wow, what a spectacular specimen kind of way more like the “blegh,
I stepped barefoot on a slug” kind of way !)

When your body is drastically bloated out of proportion change seems to happen in the most torturously slow kind of way.
This is a danger-zone for any Endomorph, and a very big danger zone for someone like me who has very limited patience for just about anything other than my dog. I am a control freak, insecure and mostly demand instant gratification.
These are not the characteristics one really needs to accomplish success in the gym. (or really in the broader spectrum of life)
The lesson here is that training and reshaping will probably teach you a couple of things about yourself.
For me (on a personal level) it is that any change comes at the price of giving up one action for another.
You cannot always have your cake and eat it.
“Literally this isn’t working for me – I had a piece of cake today because I didn’t want to offend anyone – and my body is rejecting it like
mind rejects the colour combination yellow and green.”
I feel shaky , nauseous and have incredible heart burn –
Could it be that my body prefers the splendour of salmon and salad???
Death by chocolate mouse is exactly how I am feeling right now!
If you told me this 3 months ago I would have told you that your on crack.
Even going to gym has become a simpler task and I dare to say I am almost looking forward to it now.
Looking at these pictures I also cannot deny that no man should be sporting “moobs” the size of mine.
It just isn’t right to have bigger boobs than the girls down at hooters!
And if a “drag queen” tells you she wish she had your breasts, you know you have hit an all time body fat low.
This happened to me, and I am struggling to see the positive side of a compliment like that, even when it wasn’t really meant from a place of ill intent.
I sorta have to admit that I would rather one day have some random dude tell me I have a great chest.
I don’t know if it is possible to reduce the size of my “moobs” through training,
but I have promised myself that if I achieve a certain weight again and they are still bouncing around, I’d go under the knife.
It is the one thing that has always bothered me about my body and if I have the chance to do something about it with the assistance of surgery, I wouldn’t hesitate.
“Moobs” are a horror to straight men and gay men alike.
Research has shown that a lot of the time it is genetic and sometimes it’s just fat.
I believe my “moobs” are genetic since a had them even when I was virtually “manorexic!”
It suck’s to have “moobs”, there is nothing hot about a guy with breasts and it can lead to hurtful comments even when made in jest,
I have heard them all!
So not only am I on a mission to change the incredibly bloated shape of my body,
but I am on a mission to fight a life long embarrassing condition that I am now really just fed up with.
I guess that means today a wished farewell to baked goods.
For now chocolate flavoured protein bars will have to be the sweet treat to my week !
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