“finding neverland”

it has been quite some time since i have made an entry on this blog.
the reason for this is that i have fallen off the fitness wagon, the spinning cycle and the treadmill.
there was only shame.

as the months passed i regressed into gaining back most of the weight i lost and went from 94kg’s to a staggering 101.2 kg’s.
i became distressed, and angry with myself.
the punchline came when christmas came around. i tried hard to find the perfect gifts for the people i loved, especially for the guy in
my life.
i was childlike in my excitement when christmas morning finally came around as one would be when it is your only day off during the year.
when it came round to my turn to open gifts, my partner had wrapped a “fitbit” scale for me.
my world dissolved in an instant, all joy left my body and my hart shrank into a place that i have not yet managed to go and look for it again.
it was like opening pandora’s box. it swallowed everything around me, i spent nights and days on my own feeling hurt, alone and depressed.
i cried for weeks before i finally managed to open the box.
there was no support in this gesture but the obvious was being pointed out to me .
without any subtlety i was being notified that my body was
as repulsive to the person i was with as probably i felt it was to myself.

still nothing changed i was left paralysed as if someone had taken all the things that made my life special and put it through the shredder.
in my naivety i always imagined love to be enough, that no matter what stages of bodyweight, health or wealth a person went through love would be unconditional, it would matter as it has never mattered to me.
i was wrong, love is not enough. it has labels like everything else in this frivolous world where people judge critically by social standing, physical conditioning, wealth and influence.
i was a hopeless romantic, all of a sudden i was just hopeless.

as all tsunamis go the wave of destruction gathered force and swept it’s devastating carnage through all the corners of my life.
i found that on social networks his friends were all toned, muscular men, i was nothing like them.
i have spent my life caring for people with my heart and all of a sudden i could no longer find the reason to caring anymore.
paranoia ensued, followed by doubt and fear.
his actions were without regret, there was no remorse in the conflict that came from them, he shrugged away the pain that it caused me on a daily basis.

somehow i have managed to find a piece of myself lying amongst the rubble that was once a life i imagined perfect. i picked them up quietly and studied them as if seeing them for the first time.
there was still a little glow of light dimly reflecting of the surface, barely warm to the touch.
i hoped it would be enough to keep going. i hoped it would be enough to not walk down the road and never look back.
so i carefully placed the pieces in the hollow space that once held and exuberant light.
they were mere embers that i prayed would warm the icy landscape around them even if just a little.
i was a peter pan without fairy dust, i was the lion who lost his main, i was a land without a sun.

i finally managed to dust off my physical body, reboot my mind and find my way back to the gym.
it has been three weeks now, i have not missed a single session, i have starved myself from eating anything more than a single hand full of food everyday. i have lost the 10 kg’s and am now back at 94kg’s.
once again i am back at the beginning.
this beginning i hope will make me acceptable in they eyes of the world, this beginning i hope will make someone love me, if not for who i am then at least for what i am.

i hope too that anyone out there who loves with there heart may not have it so brutally stolen away.
i pray that you will be loved as you are without condition.
if you too must start again be gentle with the light inside of you, there is nothing so hard as to live with only a little of something that was once a lot of everything you knew.

from the endomorph:

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